Where are we now?

Maybe it is time to take stock now-nearly a year after my sweet husband went to the nursing home. In the last year I have learned who to cry by myself without someone there to tell me it will be okay- I have learned that a person only needs to eat once in awhile, only when they are really hungry and only when it sounds good. I have learned that a person can go forever without being lonesome, and how much better off a person is when they find their true friends. I have learned that family is only from the heart-and the best family are those who are choosen. I know that there are many with much greater trials than I face, and they will be okay, so I will too. I have had my words mistaken for other things and it was costly-so I choose my words more carefully now-I have learned how very much I need and love my Ethete friends, and how closely I am associated with "the cheifs" and how fortunate I am to have that association. I have learned the difference between the meaning of the words friend, neighbor, child, acquaintance, caregiver and "someone who lives down the road". In that knowledge I am so much richer, for there are many paths that I will follow in a different way in possessing that knowledge. As my husband is forgotten by many now, so am I and it is a good thing. My memory is suddenly as short as his memory is-and that too is a good thing.


I have learned to be selfcentered, and that is perhaps one of the hardest things-but it is for the purpose of only survival that I practice it. I try not to disappoint myself, not to limit myself and sometimes to be kind to myself. Amazed at my own strengths and miserable in my weaknesses, I know them now.

Yesterday we installed coats on the girls, and they are pleased. THe ones who are special, and the ones who are REALLY special are looking forward to a happpy and prosperous lambing, with 5 lambs already on the ground and more to come soon. THe garn is in tip top shaps with windows installed and electricity as well. Bring it on!

Earrings are selling faster than I can make them-they went to the mats for my turtles-horses are gone, maidens are gone-bear tracks are gone-only thing remaining is kokopelli's- (how to get a baby)-they must go on ebay.

Carding and making roving is fun-hope we get the grant for spinning, but will learn anyway as Avis is super and so good to me-my dad would be so pleased-is so pleased I know. How I miss him for he, in a few words would always make everything allright.

Rocky and Dion

Saturday was the day I told my friend Rocky Oneil goodby. I saw him in the Lander hospital about a month ago, and thanked him for saving my life once with a bottle of wine. I was so hung over-back in my drinking day, and working a roping. Raock and Pat and the kids came, and when he saw how sick he was he quickly returned with a bottle of wine-hair of the dog-and the day went from bad to wonderful. That is the only time I ever tried hair of the dog-and I am so glad that I outgrew stuff like that-but it sure did fix me up that morning. ROack and Pat and I have been freinds for years and years-raised our kids together and cussed and cried together. Pat is strong, and she is so blessed with the most beautiful grandchildren in the world. My heart breaks for her as she loved ROcky so much, and knew that he loved her, but she will be okay. I miss Rasty so much when I need a shoulder to cry on-I think that is the hardest part. I have had to tell some good friends goodby since Rasty has been gone, and it is so hard.

Dion called yesterday and we talked for over an hour. The kids are doing so well, and Dion is, and always will be a son to me. Trey will be home for Christmas and is doing okay at West Point-of course he is finding it so much harder that high school but he hads the brain powder to do it and the support of great folks too. I cried when he told me that he thought I was the perfect granny to his kids. I love them all.

rez fires

The recent rez fires remind me of the year that 300 tons of our hay burned up. The situation was so similar-it was in the fall, October, and there were several neighboring haystack fires-all of them set. At that time the fire marshal determined that it had been set-I called the Sheriffs dept and asked that it was investigated-it never was. The sheriff later wrote me a letter in response to my letter to the commissioners, saying he never knew we had a fire. I certainly hope there is some resolution to these fires.

The class is down to 5 now-but well worth going to. It is better with just a few as we are really becoming comrades-lots of work to do this time. Interestingly, I have a great credit rating-it helps to never use it I guess. Thank heavens for my past-I wonder what the future will hold-as does all of Wall Street. I'm going to Sabrina's teleconference tonight-she is wonderful- it will be fun.

JOe Mc went home-it was a good thing as he suffered with A L S-services Friday and I"ll go to represent Rasty-they rode many trails together and Jennifer is so out of the west-she is a character for sure but has always been so good to me and to Jenny. She is tough as nails and will be fine-and I love her for that. I always remember when she was running barrels, went off on the first barrel, the horse continued the pattern dragging her along by the stirrup and she got up at the finish line-just fine! A few hoof prints decorated her clothes but she didn't miss a step!

They were bowling at the nursing home yesterday-there is a lively group now with some new additions-Mr. Kenton enjoyed it and would kick the beach ball when it came close to make a striker for the other players. Rasty would not play and was not happy-he went to the lounge chair with much help and took a nap. His hands are nearly useless now-I think he is developing contractures from not using them. No signs of recognition in his eyes now-the babbling has become worse but the cuss words still come out loud and clear. WHY???????

THe Jehovas WItnesses came today-they were fun-I nearly didn't let them go as they were company and a nice diversion. Okay-it is back to work. I have my deck looking good-just need to give the ramp one more coat of miniwax and we'll be set.

weekend

What a fun weekend it was. Saturday I went to a big lunch with friends and we visited and visited and visited. Sunday, lunch again with others, and I came home to the most wonderful site. My corrals were full of cows and the yard was full of cowboys. The Fridays had gathered their cows, and as always, had used our place to load out. THey called but when no one was home they assumed, and rightly, that it would be okay. Woodrow was there with his toy 4 wheeler, a rope thrown in, and Baby Sandy is 6 feet tall now but still gives the best hugs to his Granny Sue. Sandy and Donna have done such a fine job of raising kids, and we all enjoyed the apple tree before they left. How good to have a visit from old friends and their youngsters-nice to catch up on the happenings and rerun old times as well. It helped lessen the abandonment feelings that haunt me.

THe class sadly is down to 6 of us-we are too needy to give up, and it is just getting better and better as time goes by. Wish I had known as a youth that classes could be fun-may have done more of it then.

Norma took the bank trip to New Mexico-so glad for her. I'm anxious to hear about it.

New things

The sad news is that my partner is suffering side effects from his antipsychotic drugs-he is starting to use involuntary movements of the mouth, licking his chops and babbling-so very hard to see. It is just starting and I checked with the on duty nurse, perhaps the meds can be changed-perhaps not. I hate it, and I hate it and I hate it. His appetite is still excellent-he has put on some weight but that is the only good report. THe good thing is that he no longer cares what goes on around him, paying no attention to what, where, who or how he is. That seems to say that in a strange way the disease gets kinder at some point. He is in no pain, that is a good thing. If he was in pain, he would not know it. Perhaps that is a good thing too. It makes me tired, very tired.

Someone became interested in the insurance for the place, 7 months after my policy had been canceled due to nonpayment and I picked it up for $1400. THe $7 per acre offer seems to be paying off with the beans-great.

Texas woke up and called-what a surprise. She asked how I was and I said better- did she wonder if I was sick? But thankfully I am much better and almost back to where I was a long time ago. Sadly, my giveadamn is still basically broke.

I need to get to the mountains again, or to the rim. Perhaps this weekend.

Oh Happy Day!

Today was the day I have been looking for! It was to the mountains today! Yes! To the mountains! The air was clean, the water was clear, the sun was bright and the wind was friendly. The smells were mellow, the sounds were to behold and the company couldn't have been better. I picked up two rocks and two chips, I climbed some hills, huffed and puffed and came back down. I took so many pictures and watched as Veronica fished. I had never been to BUll Lake before, and it is truly a pklace of beauty and mystery as well. How I wanted to go to the other side of it and check out those huge cliffs. What fun to rent a plane-maybe one day. Veronica added to the fun by telling me stories about the lake and the fisherman of old times-her stories are to behold-she has heard the stories of the past from the elders and imbedded them and I am thankful that she shares them with me.

the heartbeat is gone

Sometimes there is a person who is the center of something. Sometimes, very rarely, there is a person who is the center of everything. The heartbeat of the reservation, the center of everything is gone. He was a loving son, brother, husband, father, grandfather, friend, educator, spokesman, cultural leader and he was the Eagle Drum. He was taken like lightening from this earth and has gone on to a better life, but I don't know how anything can go on without him. He was met by his son "Catfish", his folks and all those whose music he provided at their passing. Nothing went on without John-ceremonies, Christmas programs, ball games, fasts, naming ceremonies, school days, and sweats. He brought the youth to the drum-his sons and many more learned the songs from him. In all the years I knew him he always had time for a hello and a hand shake, a kind word or a big joke. THe women loved him, but he worshiped his Alta, the love of his life. She and the drum came first. I've seen John sad, disappointed, heartbroken by the loss of friends (Lonnie Hoffman was a tough one) devastated by the loss of a son, but I've never seen John mean, unkind, crude or without the spirit of a warrior, a survivor. Perhaps that is why it is so unbelievable that he is no longer with us. I just don't know how the Arapahoe people, the reservation can go on without him, his songs, his spirit and his hearbteat. The beat of the drum was the beat of the reservation-who will sing. Only the wailers.