on the way

I failed at taking the advise of my friend-he said-not on a holiday. Yet, it will be on a holiday. Rasty is on his way. When the opportunity knocked I couldn't turn it down. It is the best I could do, the availability may not be there after the holiday, and the time line didn't fit before the holiday. My prayer is that I can make it to the holiday and past. I told the good doctor that I felt I owed it to my partner to make him as safe and comfortable as I could, and that is when he agreed and said that I must give the job up and over to others. My heart is heavy and my mind is gone. I have told no one, and no one has asked. Soon I will call my Sweetwater friends and ask them for help in transport then it is done. -oh-I probably should buy pajamas for my partner. A first. I'll be okay, and I think he will too.

what to do what to do

Rereading my old blogs-it seems to help me try to fall through the "days of our lives". The family meeting never really happened-I did call Guy the other day when his dad was absolutely crazy and I went outside -came back in-went outside-came back in-the following day I called Judy and asked her to please try to keep her dad occupied on the phone for 20 minutes-she of course failed. She did ask me how my week was, and filled in the word "trying"for me-an interesting word, I said. Britt stopped by on Saturday-first he had showed up since shearing. He had stories to share but I mostly went outside and did my sheep chores-if I feed after I put the sheep in the barn I can load up the next days hay and I actually have two days ready to go. That way only a few minutes once every other day is sufficient for someone to watch Rasty. Today no one came or called, but good old Janet came yesterday and gave me time to chore and shower-she is a blessing and I wonder if she doesn't wonder where Guy is most of the time. SHe tries to do her part. Wednesday is Sally day and I'm going to Rasty's doctor that day to talk about the future. Some days are a peice of cake, but the life I am living is no life and lets face it-no one but me and my blog buddy know what goes on. Tomorrow I have to get him in the dreaded shower-always a big fight and both of us hate it. Urination happenes whenever wherever at night-just a few hours sleep at a time accompanied by wild dreams. I can't concentrate on anything-and at the same time I am so fearful. I hate alone, buy yet I am alone now in most ways. NO, I have my friends, a few, but the very best friends that a person could have. I am not alone. And I have Jessie, who lays by me and goes from room to room with me. She is now so afraid of Ratsy, and even barked at him yesterday.

And I have my first lamb-lost the white one of a set of twins, and the black one is not hardy, but the mother refuses to be jugged and is too big for me to sideline-a very flighty two year old-so I let her take it with the bunch to the corral feed ground. Cinnamon put up a fight for it-trying to steal it. She closely examined the baby, and then wondered where it's neck was, and it's legs, finially giving it back to the awaiting mother. God thank you for the animals. Thank you GOd for the friends, and thank you GOd for the many many memories of other times.

nine lives

I killed the cat. I did, I killed the cat. He was in obvious distress, and I had been putting off the trip to the vet, knowing how fearful he is when he is traveling-hating to take him for that one last ride. I went to the old ice box where I have as many vet supplies as the vet does, knowing that I had what it would take to kill the cat. I called my old friend who worked for vets for years, she agreed that I did have what it takes,, about 4 times what it takes to kill the cat the 18 year old, skinny, scrawny cat. I said my prayers, grabbed the cat and administered what I thought would be the final dose-everything went well, he didn't even wince and went to sleep in about 2 minutes. Greatly relieved, I gently stroked him and told the Creator to take him to where the mice went so he would be happy. I stroked him, and I stroked him, and he slept and slept and slept. Well, I could understand it, I needed to tell him that it was okay for him to "go home", that I could manage without him in my bed at night-in the middle of my bed at night. So I told him. And he slept and he slept. So I knew that he wouldn't go if I was watching, so I left him alone-came back-still he was sleeping. I looked at the clock, knowing my friend would be asleep I just grabbed the syringe and again administered a fatal dose. He slept and he slept. The third time was the charm-but now I know that cats really do have nine lives. He was a great cat, never bothering and always maintaining his pride. A wonderful, loving and happy addition to our household, and he is missed. I hated killing him, but I am glad that he has gone home and he suffered no pain in the process and no fear as well. Strangely, in the last seconds of his life, his hair stood on end and was electrically charged-his spirit leaving. I have seen people die and never witnessed the spirit leaving but I could see it go when Beauty went home.

The sheep have been so beautiful- they came to the yard today to eat the old corn stalks after they had munched their hay. How restful and relaxing it was to stand out on the deck and hear their bells softly ringing as they moved slowly along. They are starting to look lamby and I need to get some work done. Called my friend Mia today and he will help when he can. I trapped Hollis for a few minutes today- I asked him to bring the mail when he checked traps, and he said he was going to come and get firewood anyway so while he was here I quickly loaded my hay for morning, put the sheep in the corral, then put out tomorrows hay so all I have to do in the morning is open the gate. With any luck I can keep ahead of the game-Rasty just can't be left when he is awake-today he squeezed out the strawberry jelly in about 60 seconds-all the jelly. He is into rearranging furniture now, but generally sleeping more-just not sleeping when I want him to sleep. I am glad I still have the sheep-they are no problem-they are my joy. Just doing them justice is the problem, but they are good girls and should be easy lambers. THe barn is toasty when they are in it, and last year I only had to pull one lamb and I spend all my spare time praying now days so should be fine.

My friend from Jackson called, and for the 10th year is bringing goodies to Ethete for Christmas. She is a walking wonder and it was great to hear her voice. Hope I can get to see her.

Life is good. I really do miss the cat.

perhaps another day

In looking for future lodging for my partner I have just not gotten my soul ready for the commitment as yet. Tonight I will call the neighbors from across the road together and hold a small family conference. With a little more help I feel that I can hold things together for a short time longer and need to do that in my heart. Yesterday I had lunch with my friend whose husband went to Sheridan to the veterans home two days before. She was gleeful, already giving away his clothes and cleaning him out of the house. Perhaps that made me reflect on the facts that the move is one way and the end. I do not wish to postpone the end, but I do want to keep the quality of life the best that I can for my partner until the end. I owe him that. His quality of life is so limited by the disease that I hate to take away his favorite chair, the company of his cat and the security of the cookie jar right around the corner. Sally, sweet Sally, is only available for the 4 hours per week now, and senior citizens may have some staff to offer me at a later date. There is a care giver available at 12.00 per hour whom I have not met, but she seems to be game. Altho other things have become more difficult, he is sleeping more and that is a plus considering that lambing is coming up soon. Nursing home facilities would not be close to home and I am sure the children would not visit him nor would I-he doesn't know us, but he does enjoy a friendly face. I will just keep doing my best for one more day.

winter

The season when the bear sleeps is here. The wind is blowing and there is snow-clean white snow blowing around. I just got my sheep in-had to walk a bit so they could hear me as they were working the ditch banks and out of the wind-they looked happy but I was worried about the coyotes. They finally heard me and came a running-I love them. They smelled so very good-wet wool-oh yes! I love that smell. Smells a lot like the house during lambing. I called Janet this morning and had her keep Rasty on the phone long enough for me to do my chores, and he slept as I called the sheep in. Somebody is looking out for me. I tried to get him shaved and bought some neat new foamy soap-a little goes a long way. I didn't know that and really had him soaped up! He said it pulled, so I changed blades and went at it again. He cussed awhile and I just quit. Made him wash all that soap off his face himself and now he is all shaved except for his chin, neck and nose. May have to start a new style for winter. Some things are just hard.

No one has called-perhaps we'll call someone after awhile. For now I have the sidewalks brushed off and Lonesome Dove is playing and the house is nice and warm. I feel sorry for those people who were having craft fairs today as I bet the turnout was not good. I sold an ebay item while I was still listing-a first for me. It paid my listing fees anyway. I'll call Texas and hear a weather report there. Yes!