Where are we now?

Maybe it is time to take stock now-nearly a year after my sweet husband went to the nursing home. In the last year I have learned who to cry by myself without someone there to tell me it will be okay- I have learned that a person only needs to eat once in awhile, only when they are really hungry and only when it sounds good. I have learned that a person can go forever without being lonesome, and how much better off a person is when they find their true friends. I have learned that family is only from the heart-and the best family are those who are choosen. I know that there are many with much greater trials than I face, and they will be okay, so I will too. I have had my words mistaken for other things and it was costly-so I choose my words more carefully now-I have learned how very much I need and love my Ethete friends, and how closely I am associated with "the cheifs" and how fortunate I am to have that association. I have learned the difference between the meaning of the words friend, neighbor, child, acquaintance, caregiver and "someone who lives down the road". In that knowledge I am so much richer, for there are many paths that I will follow in a different way in possessing that knowledge. As my husband is forgotten by many now, so am I and it is a good thing. My memory is suddenly as short as his memory is-and that too is a good thing.


I have learned to be selfcentered, and that is perhaps one of the hardest things-but it is for the purpose of only survival that I practice it. I try not to disappoint myself, not to limit myself and sometimes to be kind to myself. Amazed at my own strengths and miserable in my weaknesses, I know them now.

Yesterday we installed coats on the girls, and they are pleased. THe ones who are special, and the ones who are REALLY special are looking forward to a happpy and prosperous lambing, with 5 lambs already on the ground and more to come soon. THe garn is in tip top shaps with windows installed and electricity as well. Bring it on!

Earrings are selling faster than I can make them-they went to the mats for my turtles-horses are gone, maidens are gone-bear tracks are gone-only thing remaining is kokopelli's- (how to get a baby)-they must go on ebay.

Carding and making roving is fun-hope we get the grant for spinning, but will learn anyway as Avis is super and so good to me-my dad would be so pleased-is so pleased I know. How I miss him for he, in a few words would always make everything allright.

Rocky and Dion

Saturday was the day I told my friend Rocky Oneil goodby. I saw him in the Lander hospital about a month ago, and thanked him for saving my life once with a bottle of wine. I was so hung over-back in my drinking day, and working a roping. Raock and Pat and the kids came, and when he saw how sick he was he quickly returned with a bottle of wine-hair of the dog-and the day went from bad to wonderful. That is the only time I ever tried hair of the dog-and I am so glad that I outgrew stuff like that-but it sure did fix me up that morning. ROack and Pat and I have been freinds for years and years-raised our kids together and cussed and cried together. Pat is strong, and she is so blessed with the most beautiful grandchildren in the world. My heart breaks for her as she loved ROcky so much, and knew that he loved her, but she will be okay. I miss Rasty so much when I need a shoulder to cry on-I think that is the hardest part. I have had to tell some good friends goodby since Rasty has been gone, and it is so hard.

Dion called yesterday and we talked for over an hour. The kids are doing so well, and Dion is, and always will be a son to me. Trey will be home for Christmas and is doing okay at West Point-of course he is finding it so much harder that high school but he hads the brain powder to do it and the support of great folks too. I cried when he told me that he thought I was the perfect granny to his kids. I love them all.

rez fires

The recent rez fires remind me of the year that 300 tons of our hay burned up. The situation was so similar-it was in the fall, October, and there were several neighboring haystack fires-all of them set. At that time the fire marshal determined that it had been set-I called the Sheriffs dept and asked that it was investigated-it never was. The sheriff later wrote me a letter in response to my letter to the commissioners, saying he never knew we had a fire. I certainly hope there is some resolution to these fires.

The class is down to 5 now-but well worth going to. It is better with just a few as we are really becoming comrades-lots of work to do this time. Interestingly, I have a great credit rating-it helps to never use it I guess. Thank heavens for my past-I wonder what the future will hold-as does all of Wall Street. I'm going to Sabrina's teleconference tonight-she is wonderful- it will be fun.

JOe Mc went home-it was a good thing as he suffered with A L S-services Friday and I"ll go to represent Rasty-they rode many trails together and Jennifer is so out of the west-she is a character for sure but has always been so good to me and to Jenny. She is tough as nails and will be fine-and I love her for that. I always remember when she was running barrels, went off on the first barrel, the horse continued the pattern dragging her along by the stirrup and she got up at the finish line-just fine! A few hoof prints decorated her clothes but she didn't miss a step!

They were bowling at the nursing home yesterday-there is a lively group now with some new additions-Mr. Kenton enjoyed it and would kick the beach ball when it came close to make a striker for the other players. Rasty would not play and was not happy-he went to the lounge chair with much help and took a nap. His hands are nearly useless now-I think he is developing contractures from not using them. No signs of recognition in his eyes now-the babbling has become worse but the cuss words still come out loud and clear. WHY???????

THe Jehovas WItnesses came today-they were fun-I nearly didn't let them go as they were company and a nice diversion. Okay-it is back to work. I have my deck looking good-just need to give the ramp one more coat of miniwax and we'll be set.

weekend

What a fun weekend it was. Saturday I went to a big lunch with friends and we visited and visited and visited. Sunday, lunch again with others, and I came home to the most wonderful site. My corrals were full of cows and the yard was full of cowboys. The Fridays had gathered their cows, and as always, had used our place to load out. THey called but when no one was home they assumed, and rightly, that it would be okay. Woodrow was there with his toy 4 wheeler, a rope thrown in, and Baby Sandy is 6 feet tall now but still gives the best hugs to his Granny Sue. Sandy and Donna have done such a fine job of raising kids, and we all enjoyed the apple tree before they left. How good to have a visit from old friends and their youngsters-nice to catch up on the happenings and rerun old times as well. It helped lessen the abandonment feelings that haunt me.

THe class sadly is down to 6 of us-we are too needy to give up, and it is just getting better and better as time goes by. Wish I had known as a youth that classes could be fun-may have done more of it then.

Norma took the bank trip to New Mexico-so glad for her. I'm anxious to hear about it.

New things

The sad news is that my partner is suffering side effects from his antipsychotic drugs-he is starting to use involuntary movements of the mouth, licking his chops and babbling-so very hard to see. It is just starting and I checked with the on duty nurse, perhaps the meds can be changed-perhaps not. I hate it, and I hate it and I hate it. His appetite is still excellent-he has put on some weight but that is the only good report. THe good thing is that he no longer cares what goes on around him, paying no attention to what, where, who or how he is. That seems to say that in a strange way the disease gets kinder at some point. He is in no pain, that is a good thing. If he was in pain, he would not know it. Perhaps that is a good thing too. It makes me tired, very tired.

Someone became interested in the insurance for the place, 7 months after my policy had been canceled due to nonpayment and I picked it up for $1400. THe $7 per acre offer seems to be paying off with the beans-great.

Texas woke up and called-what a surprise. She asked how I was and I said better- did she wonder if I was sick? But thankfully I am much better and almost back to where I was a long time ago. Sadly, my giveadamn is still basically broke.

I need to get to the mountains again, or to the rim. Perhaps this weekend.

Oh Happy Day!

Today was the day I have been looking for! It was to the mountains today! Yes! To the mountains! The air was clean, the water was clear, the sun was bright and the wind was friendly. The smells were mellow, the sounds were to behold and the company couldn't have been better. I picked up two rocks and two chips, I climbed some hills, huffed and puffed and came back down. I took so many pictures and watched as Veronica fished. I had never been to BUll Lake before, and it is truly a pklace of beauty and mystery as well. How I wanted to go to the other side of it and check out those huge cliffs. What fun to rent a plane-maybe one day. Veronica added to the fun by telling me stories about the lake and the fisherman of old times-her stories are to behold-she has heard the stories of the past from the elders and imbedded them and I am thankful that she shares them with me.

the heartbeat is gone

Sometimes there is a person who is the center of something. Sometimes, very rarely, there is a person who is the center of everything. The heartbeat of the reservation, the center of everything is gone. He was a loving son, brother, husband, father, grandfather, friend, educator, spokesman, cultural leader and he was the Eagle Drum. He was taken like lightening from this earth and has gone on to a better life, but I don't know how anything can go on without him. He was met by his son "Catfish", his folks and all those whose music he provided at their passing. Nothing went on without John-ceremonies, Christmas programs, ball games, fasts, naming ceremonies, school days, and sweats. He brought the youth to the drum-his sons and many more learned the songs from him. In all the years I knew him he always had time for a hello and a hand shake, a kind word or a big joke. THe women loved him, but he worshiped his Alta, the love of his life. She and the drum came first. I've seen John sad, disappointed, heartbroken by the loss of friends (Lonnie Hoffman was a tough one) devastated by the loss of a son, but I've never seen John mean, unkind, crude or without the spirit of a warrior, a survivor. Perhaps that is why it is so unbelievable that he is no longer with us. I just don't know how the Arapahoe people, the reservation can go on without him, his songs, his spirit and his hearbteat. The beat of the drum was the beat of the reservation-who will sing. Only the wailers.

Me and Jess

Jessie gave me the heads up about 3 this morning-there was water in the yard-lots of it-heading for the basement quickly. I got my light and went to look-the ditch was overflowing clear back to the road. I couldn't get into where you can send the water south, but got to thinking something had to be bad wrong. Perhaps the tricksters had opened the headgate all the way-could the beans be flooding as well? I called the irrigators headquarters at 4-that was a dirty trick on my part but I wasn't going to the headgate by myself on a bet. Heard that the irrigator had shut his water off and left town (?) for a few days. Wonder where he shut it off at-top boss went to the headgate-hope he really shuts the water off. Did I mention that I hit the sidewalk on my left knee? Thanks Jess- I love you-you are a good dog.

I hate that she is so old-I have to touch her now to wake her up, and she always is startled when I do. She has seen her best days and has lots of good memories-she was a hard worker when she wanted to be, a sweet lover sometimes, and a fierce watch dog always.

Picked up my things from fair yesterday-kind of sad to see the quilts come down from the ceiling and the exhibits going out the door, many headed for state fair. We are in the "next year" mode now. Polly had to be exhausted-she did such a good job of keeping vigil over the fiber arts-what a trooper she is and exact on everything.

I tried to find my heroine in the sheep barn but she was there and gone already-I'll just have to call her. She is a super sheep showman-and a hard worker. I want to give her some colored sheep to show-she would work hard with them and hopefully have some fun. Last year the judge was hard on her-and this year she did a sweep-nearly. Way to go. Judging is one persons opinion on any one day-and that is hard for the kids that put so much time, effort and money into their projects all through the year. Parents are able (with luck) to keep them going from fair to fair with encouragement and praise and she has great parents. Good job Camille.

Darling daughter is taking the kids and going to Disney world-so glad. I was afraid she would bring them here and heaven knows how bored they would be-no museums, fancy restaurants, great rides, and this world is full of people who are multiracial, and there are even Methodists (divorced even) in the county. I am so proud of my little Christian daughter. We have the book, and it is our book, and it says just what we say it says, and everyone else who has a book is wrong and they are not good. She would make her Lutheran great grandparents proud, except for the fact that they have the Baptist book. Ohmygosh! I don't even want to glance at the book-it is all too overwhelming for me.

tough race!

It was a tough race-she did her best and I must admit, I campaigned her hard but the competition was tough-and little did I know that the competition was my friend. Well, she did it-and so did my friend! The rest of the story, is the peoples choice award for the fiber arts-Mary went to fair, at least her photo-and she loves to pose for photo opts. She looked her best, with a bright blue mat surrounding her sweet face. I gave all I saw directions to the booth, with instructions as to what Mary's number was and howe to vote. Some did-then there was Norma-I forgot-she said. Norma, how could you? Mary calls you Auntie Norma. Now, truthfully, I did not vote-thought it would be cheating and now I"m glad that I didn't. Mary tied with Bobbie's photo of sheep and a wagon-it was really well done, and I'm sure Mary will be pleased when I tell her.

Fair is just fun-I can't help it-I love fair. Never went to fair till I was grown-the Colorado mountains just aren't conducive to growing gardens, raising animals and such. When my girl was small we always participated, then after she was grown and gone I seldom even got the opportunity to go. This year I made a splash-spent several days down at the fair along with a couple more walk throughs. The poultry barn was the noisiest-the rabbit pens were the dirtiest the cattle barns were the emptiest, and the sheep barns were heaven. Somehow I missed the pig barns-and that is a good thing. I'm nearly Jewish when it comes to pigs. And the friends-oh the friends that I saw. We laughed and talked about old times, we lamented of things past, we cried together about things present, and left each other feeling brighter about tomorrow. This world is all about survival and how we do it is our choice, and I saw some of the bravest survivors walking tall. It was good.

The wool did well, the beadwork did too but I was disappointed in how it was (not) displayed. Everyone was less than happy about the new fair lady-the atmosphere was not like it used to be-tension in the air in the armory-hope next year the wrinkles get worked out.

Sadly, two losses this week. My friend Mary Bates lost her daughter-a brave and tough girl who I loved as my own, and my "son" Scott found dead last night. I know both are in a good place, but will be so missed. Mary and I had a good visit and plans are in order for a birthday party for an old cowboy friend next weekend-that will surely help. We all need happy get togethers. I have expected Scott's news since I've known him, as some are too gentle for this world and he was surely that way but we've shared many good times and bad, and he loved Rasty like a father-"the old guy" he called him. Scott and I have shared many breakfasts together as for years he was our "night man" in the lamb barn and a better helper could not be found. He had a degree in engineering, graduating with a's all the way through-he knew the bible inside and out, was so kind and forgiving and never judged his fellow man. He ran to my aid when I was in trouble and made jokes that brought tears to your eyes. He loved sheep, always naming them, making splints for their broken legs, the only one in the world that fed my bums for me when I was at work and could live on a dollar for a month. I love you Scott-and I know you are with God. Hope I see you again.

my new old prefession

Last time I tried this It just didn't work-we'll try again. My new old profession is a hooker-yes- a hooker. I've been hooking the saddle pads, at least learning how. My pad just looked tacky- really bad. I looked closely at the beautiful one that my instructor Anita took to fair and figured out some of what I have been doing wrong. Excited, I got home and tried it again and YES! It works and looks better. Her roving has a little Churro wool in it-enough to make thee wool shinny, and mine has no CHurro-as I haven't taken my Churro over to the mill yet. Need to do that-she is a master-can't believe how even and perfect her stitches are. She truly is an artisan-and such a kind person.
Had a fun lunch with Norma, Lynda, Polly, Skip, and Charles Saturday at the Red Willow cafe, in the casino, The special was prime sand, and they were to die for. We all had the same thing, and our pretty and sweet waitress made it too much fun. We were happy to find they are open for lunch-thinking it was just evenings, and it was not more expensive than anywhere else for a great feed. We'll try that again one day. The time flew by, and we just spent most of it chewing and laughing.

Plans are looking great for our booth at the casino-Annette and her son have joined me so we will have her star quilts and carvings by her son as well as quill work bracelets and feathers from Minnesota and beadwork.

This week I'm going to Thermopolis to check out their alz facility-much more staff to client ratio, brand new facility, and 800 a month less in dollars. We may make this move-I think I am the only visitor, and 800 can buy a lot of gasoline. I love the staff here, there just aren't enough of them. They talk a great line, but just don't have the staff to complete things. My partner is going slowly and so I need to figure for the long haul-no shelter of assets as even what is mine is his I am told. Visits will be less often, but he won't notice and I may be able to accomplish more at home as well. He is forgotten except for me and baby boy Pat, who is going to move down south to work for the winter. It is the thing to do I think.

So nice to look on a green world-thank heaven for the moisture.

wonderful visit

Sunday brought a great surprise. My old, and I mean old friend came to say hi. Virginia Sutter is one of those heriones of mine. She was elected to the Northern Arapahoe Tribal Council not once, but twice. SHe served never. Every time she got elected she got ousted the same, or nearly the same day. She is just too wise forher own good. How could she daare to suggest that all tribal pay advances be paid up, that all tribal travel be canceled and that all personal tribal loans be paid up? She could probably run the rez in the black and do a good job. SHe was quick to forgive personal errors, but also quick to give criticism. There were times when hher life was in jepordy, and she left at the right time. Since then she has been getting western tribes health programs up and going, now working in Nevada with a rehab center. So good to visit her, her sister and daughter and know they are doing well. I value her friendship and wish I could see more of her. I've known her for 35 years, and she isn't a bit older than she ever was. Her kids are nearly as old as I am and she looks 60. We talked about the Sun Dance and the kids. Later I went up to the Sun Dance Grounds and visited for a bit,. It was quiet so I came home, and didn't return. At sunset I went outside and smelled the cedar and the sage-it was resstful and peaceful.

Blogs

In times of laziness, I read the "next blog" and find it fun to be invited into other lives. Sometimes they are even in English. Just had to laugh, one woman talks about "he who must be obeyed" in her blog. Back to my previous post about relationships-where do you guess this one is? I am now "she who obeys no one."

Heroines

A ha-yes. There are a few heroines in the west-they are my inspiration. Of course, there are Lynda and Polly. They are so brave, not afraid to be who they are and not afraid to show the world that they are what they are. Their relationship is to be despised by some, desired by others. Never have I seen a marriage that is as good as theirs, a relationship where the two really care for the others feelings above all else, their sole purpose in living is to provide help, solace and support for the other. The life they lead is one of giving, loving and helping for others as well, and they are so kind. I can see the drumstick of the chicken gone uneaten, for each would wait for the other one to eat it. To visit them is to visit one person with two separate mouths-they tell a story in pieces, each taking a turn, swapping off till they finially get done-bouncing it back and fourth like a giant ball till it finially rolls away. Watching them work is more fun-one person with four hands-Polly the tiniest but using all she has, Lynda the stronger, always wearing a smile. They put a face on the "gay rights" for me, and I am thankful that they did for I must believe they are a match made in heaven. I am so thankful for them both, and so proud to call them my friends.

Heroes

My heroes have not always been cowboys. I have known too many cowboys too well for that-cowboys use the cover to be egotists, to be less than thoughtful and to be cruel to others at times. It is often the case that a cowboy just doesn't think it-not that he just won't say it. My heroes are all too human to be cowboys. I am often lonesome for my heroes as many have vanished for various reasons. . MY telephone time is sometimes spent with Dion-super dad and super guy. Life dealt him a tough blow and forced his early retirement-Shannon had to pick up the pieces for the family finances and she does a great job. Dion was then Mr. Mom, running the bus lines for his kids to and from and the kids nave never missed out on anything. First born son just entered the West Point Academy, and Dion is lost without him, but he will be okay.

Father Apel is a big time hero. Mostly because he cries, and we used to cry together-for the reservation, for the lost ones, and even for the good ones. St.Louis is his home now, and he still seeks solace here when he can but has lots of health concerns as well. I miss you Father John.

Father Mendez is perhaps my favorite hero-because although he wears the cloth he is so wonderfully human as well. My post office days often started with coffee with Richard-his wife Jo was cream on the coffee occasionally. He is in Randolett Utah now, loves it and they love him there. He was too kind and gentle for this reservation.

Jack Coppock was a hero-one to talk to and visit with-we didn't get to do it often, but it was always fun. He is waiting in Heaven now for the next big visit-joining his first wife and child-leaving his second wife and three children.

Gene Goggles is a hero-always fun. He will never forgive a certain neighbor who he used to ride the school bus with as a child and lots of the fun he has is taunting that neighbor. The rest of the fun he has is babysitting and loving his grandchildren. Looses his tough guy image completely when he has a pretty baby attached to each hand-and a big grin on his face.

Hollis is my hero-taking what life hands him and going on in stride. He is eager to be a good guy and takes time for me-I don't know who to compensate him but I tell him I love him. That will have to do for now.

Heroes are kind, thoughtful, and sometimes angered but forgiving. Heroes are human. Heroes are patient and brave, kind and love children, dogs and usually chocolate. I try hard to ask nothing from them more than an occasional ear, and hope to be able to lend one to them if they need it- swapping stories -enjoying each others company. My heroes are not always strong, and sometimes they fall down too-sometimes they make me think they need help so I will feel good about helping them-like they have helped me.

The biggest thing about my heroes is that one day, for any given reason, I might not see them again. One of us might get hit by a mack truck and splattered all over the highway-so I tell my heroes that I love them. I want them to know. It means nothing more than that. I am in love with very few people, but I love many people. Its called living, loving and learning. Next time we'll do heroines- both of them!

Huge Reward

There are diamond days and there are stone days, and I had a diamond day. I dutifully go to the nursing home, looking to see if my partner is "home". He isn't, but I make him listen to all the news on the home front-the sheep, the beans, the friends and the kids anyway. The staff is so good to me, they are my new social life and I value them greatly. This weekend I trotted in to find my partner just getting set at the dinner table. The sweet c n a's said- "here is your wife. Can you give her a kiss? Do you love her?" The biggest grin came over his face, and he gave me a smooch and said "Yes! I always did!" He never would have said anything like that back when he was "home" but it was such a joy and all of us were crying. Thanks my love. It was nice. I always did too.

While the outside remains too big and too remote, the inside is slowly getting taken care of. Not much progress or much hurry, but basically my giveadamn is broke.

On the good news front, Sun Dance is beginning and I am going-my superhero family, the Redman family gave the invite and I am ready.

The Belarus small tractor is going tomorrow to a nice guy in Evanston. The tires are getting burned off it today cultivating beans. We were so proud when we got it and had so many things to do with it-none got done but maybe it's new owner will get lots done and enjoy it. I hope so.

Got some fair entries in yesterday-beadwork and wool-it is always fun to see what everyone comes up with and will help my sales if I snag a ribbon or two. I made a shawl for fair and used Ben Franklin yarn for it but did some fancy stitches. I got ready to enter it and found that it had to be made of 60% natural fibre-this was all acrylic-oops. My yarn isn't here from the mill yet-rats! It is okay- Shelly's new grand baby will need it so it's off in the mail.

old and new things

Days are going quickly now, and I'm getting ready for the day in the park. Veronica is going to have a booth, and we will sell beadwork and necklaces that I made from things from my trip to Arizona-they are turning out nicely and I am pleased. I have woven two shawls and that is so relaxing.

It is a summer for learning-adapting to change. Always I have loved the outside-hated the inside. This summer I hate to go outside. The evenings were when my partner and I used to sit outside and contemplate the wonders-make plans and talk about the old times. At last I discovered that it isn't the lonesomeness as much as the feeling of being so small in the world now. How I once loved the remoteness of our home-the luxury of sitting outside and not seeing another human being. Now I prefer to go inside my cocoon and pull the walls in around me. Maybe now that I understand it I can deal with it. I grieve the losses, and I find the future. I mourn the loss of friendships who thought I wanted more than friendships but am learning to stand alone. The deaths that encircle the reservation bring to mind how little we actually have in our lives that matters and I find myself ready to go home. The visit from Texas won't happen and I don't care. The little Christian children and their little Christian mother have nothing to be gained from a trip here-I have nothing to give them. My soul is empty and I find myself wondering about the Creator at times, not from my own plight of course, but for the plight of those around me, the children, the fact that there is no childhood on the reservation. To see three Marines in full dress uniform all crying for their cousin won't be forgotten. The father who buries his last remaining child -how does he go on? Where is the light? We all come in surrounded by people, and we all go out alone with the walls pulled up around us.

old and new things

trip photos

Val and the tour, and restored equipment.

THe mythical 22 Plains Drive-

Powder River Pass, saw Elk and many deer, the creeks were bank to bank and Meadowlark lake still had ice on it.

The Wool Mill

Yesterday was my trip to Buffalo. Found the map site on the Internet and took my Tom Tom with me. I had boxed up wool and more wool. Monday night I got it loaded in the pickup-stuffing bags around the boxes where there was room. I was exhausted when I got done-absolutely exhausted. I planned to pick up my friend in Riverton at 7;30 and head out. I awoke at 5 and after coffee and chores I was ready, to we left a little earlier than first planned. The ride was beautiful-a great day to travel and pretty scenery over Powder River Pass. I had forgotten to charge Tom up on my computer and couldn't get him to turn on for me, so we were on our own with the Internet map to find 22 Plains Drive. Sounds so easy. Maps aren't my thing as E-W-N-S- are just illusions in the mind-illusions that I don't have. My Girlfriend and I have learned that we have no pride about asking directions, but she also volunteered that it is best never to ask directions from a resident of the town, as they usually have no idea about addresses, streets or places. That proved true-and after many stops and turns we found a U S Post Office carrier stopped at a group of mailboxes. HURRAH! Yes! We were within a block of it-and laughed when we found Plains Drive to be a street about 500 years long with a brand new sign, in a brand new addition in town. Okay! By then it was noon and I was hoping I didn't have to unload all that wool that I had loaded by myself. We were met at the door by Sadie, a beautiful old border collie and right away I knew it was a good place! Sadie's owner helped us, and Val gave us the grand tour. Those gals have been all over the world getting parts and pieces and then putting things together. NO-they are not fully up and running yet, but yes-they are getting it going and they have my support. Two highly intelligent and hard working women-harnessing their children for summer labor and using resources from the university and expertise from all over are getting it done. They were able to show me some finished product, both the good and the bad and then share with me their future dreams for expansion as well. And so helpful for my projects and my dreams, giving me places and people and resources to go to for information and help. It was good to be around such energy-have been basking in 80 year old energy and it seemed to be refreshing to be around 40 year old energy and vitality. I left my wool and they will get started, just a bit at a time-it suits me.

Then off to Sheridan to the Veterans Hospital so Norma could see Jim. Just a short jaunt and we were there. The hospital is on beautiful grounds, and what a view. It is on the site of an old fort and even at that there is a feeling of peacefulness when you drive up there. Jim's building is large, and he is on the second floor. We found him at the nurses station, and he brightened to see Norma. Took him to the sun room for a visit, and I was surprised to find Norma had a hard time visiting with him. She can visit with anybody about anything, but it was very hard for her. She brought pictures to share with him and he was interested and tried to visit-I tried to visit as well but it was awkward. It is easier for me to see Rasty, as I just ramble on about what is happening in my life and farm life, but I see him much more often as well. The staff are good, sweet girls and very young but responsible. Residents were clean and fairly tidy, the place smelled good. The dining room is great-all in all it is a good place. Jim got up to leave with us, or he tried to get up. Too sad-life is hard. We started home, through Casper, and having thoughts of perhaps staying there for the night, found ourselves home before dark.

On the home front,I was surprised to find the Llamas in the corral with the sheep. They have been snots recently about coming in at night. Called Janet to see how she managed that trick, say thanks and tell her I was home. Guy answered the phone, and had run the sheep and llamas in with his 4 wheeler and his dog. Newah was knocked over in the gate and walked on, but she was fine this morning and the first one out-the old leader. Why do cowboys always have to be cowboys? Just open the gate, stand back, and close the gate. Why do I always have to find something to bitch about? It was nice of the kids to put the sheep in for me.

Perhaps Guy will get his beans in today-got some of the ditches ready to go . I didn't see any beans or beets on the trip-that country used to be all beets years ago. The prospects of water still look good with lots of snowpack on the Wind River's.

social life

At the center of my new social life is the nursing home. We are family, in a very very strange way. At any rate-one can't help but laugh. One day there was a new man at the front couch-he had a white sketch pad and a black pen-on the pad was the most amazing collage of work-like a Bev Dolittle work, a thousand lines, all making tiny scenes of every imaginable thing. There were lions, bears, faces, fairies, sea shells all incorporated in what looked at first glance like doodling. I was fascinated and stopped for a visit. He explained to me in a very east coast accent that he was once the head layout designer for a magazine publisher. He couldn't remember why he came to Wyoming, but he did try to tell me his story. I grabbed what bits and pieces I could and couldn't wait to hear the next chapter. Upon my return the next day I brought him a huge package of pens, all colors. He was sitting in "his spot" (the residents are very territorial)-pen in hand. I gave him the package of pens to which he replied he just wanted one-dark blue, brown or black. Okay. I opened the package up and gave him one(I should have known that more than one would confuse the issue)-my mistake. Then he sadly exclaimed that he had lost his pad. Rats! I made a mental note to get him a new pad and upon my next return he had found his pad and pen and had nearly finished his work. I noticed a date at the bottom, May 13, 2008. He was very sick, coughing and saying that there was a terrible burning when he coughed, I hope he gets better and can tell me more of his story. What an amazing bit of his mind he has left-where did the rest of his mind go-and how did he get here?

Missed a party that I had been looking forward to for so long-a send off party for Tianna Redman. The make a wish foundation is sending her and the family to Disney World in Orlando. Tianna and her family are among my personal heroes and I had the invitation out on the table for two weeks, r s v p'd last week and polished my shoes. Last night I took off to the party at 5:30-no party at Tony's Pizza, went to the Pizza Hut-only one person there-I didn't ask. Called the family on the cell and Tom said he thought it was the 30th. OHMYGOSH! All dressed up and nowhere to go I went to the SHoshoni Rose Casino. My second mistake. Eventually I looked around at the other souls there and decided that they didn't look any richer that I did, and came home. First thing I grabbed the invitation-the party was at the Pizza Hut last night at 7:00. My clock said 8:00-the neighbors probably heard me cuss-and worst of all-I am the only one to blame. Where is my mind-and when will it come back? So right things from the casino-I mowed my lawn today. Been going to find a helper but I am ashamed of spending my helper money at the casino so I bit the bullet and did it. The mower is so good-fired right off after a little care. The lawn is miserable with only a tiny bit of grass, but it does look better. It is wonderful to see Wyoming green-it is a pretty color!

Tianna is my tiny friend who spent over a year in Denver on dialysis, awaiting a kidney transplant. She finally got her new kidney and is now doing well, although she faces lots of other problems. Her family worked tirelessly to keep them alive in Denver and find enough money for the surgeries she needed. Her auntie sold truck fulls of Indian Tacos and Fried bread-she rented the Kiwanis trailer and went all around the county selling. They held rummage sales and bake sales, raffles and drawings for three years. One day I asked Punky (auntie to Tianna) when she was going to quit selling tacos and she said "When Tianna gets her kidney". Sadly, Punky lost her son, his funeral is tomorrow and Tianna and the family are leaving right after the service. He was an organ donor and over 50 people will be helped by the donations. Tianna has made a big difference in so many lives.

The Holiday

Hard to believe it is Memorial day already. The winter has been so long, but the holiday itself seemed to hurry and get here. I decided I needed a plan-usually it is to the cemetery with flowers. That is not my thing, and has never been my thing but was what was done on Memorial day. I think there is nothing in the cemetery except stones and crosses and sad people-I believe in taking flowers to alive people who can smell them and enjoy them. This year I had already decided no flowers-and I decided that quickly but had no other plan for the weekend. It is okay-plenty of work to be done and only me to get busy is all I need-but then-the telephone rang. YES! A friend with a plan. You see, she said, she got a car key in the mail, and needed to go to Casper and pick up her car-the one the key fit. Wanna go with? You bet-showered and dressed in 3 minutes, threw the sheep out of the corral and ran to the road with my wet hair streaming behind me, buttoning my shirt on the way! Then-I realized I was traveling with a 75 year old-oops, change gears just a little bit, hit second and slow down. Okay-to get gas, to get breakfast, to get pop, to air up a tire and then-=we're on the way. I was ready to hit the second hand stores about the time we found the car dealership-the key didn't fit but we had a wonderful visit with the nice man and my friend , who had described her desire for a new car as an "obsession" consoled herself when she got the gas mileage of the new car computed in her head. Then, she suggested we eat lunch before we went to Hobby Lobby- sure. We ate a wonderful leisurely lunch, visited Hobby Lobby and headed back to the rez. It was a wonderful day-and I must admit it was fun to go 75 year old speed instead of my run to the thrift stores speed. I also remembered that Casper is just down the road a piece and I can find it and I can go again. My friend is a delight-very nontraditional Arapaho who spent most of her life married to a nonindian but raised by one of the most traditional mothers on the reservation. She now teaches the language to the high schools and commands their respect with only a look of the eye. She is masterful at what she does, and has taught me much about unconditional love of children and family. I'm looking forward to spending more time with her this summer and this day was one to remember! Thanks Annette!

Heard a song

Jumped out of bed in good shape this morning-being too tired to do anything alse after we got the sheep done yesterday. As I was making my coffee a new song came on the radio- "Blood is thicker than water, Love is thicker than blood". How true that is for me as I am so blessed to have the friends that I do. What a wonderful bunch of folks, little and BIG, young and not so young, all helping an any way they could and laughing and working together. The shearers immediately brightened up when they saw my adopted daughter, she is Arapaho, just knowing she was the love of their lives. Their command of the English language got so much better as well, with lots of smiles and grins thrown in. They wouldn't have believed that those great big boys in the barn with them were her sons-and she forgot to tell them. She is so tired of the rigors of education, and I told her it was her chance to see the world and travel, but she was on her way to WIES this morning again with a new enthusiasm. What dear sweet boys the shearers were, trying their best to get by on what they could-glad that we got the time to let them feel welcome. My friends, my wonderful friends were so great, I had to look for a job because all the working spots were filled. And what a joy the kids were, Isiah so unsure of himself and trying to be himself, and Woordow-who darn well knows who he is and loves beig who he is. Rachael is so enjoyable in her presence, a traditional Navajo if there ever was one-a stunning beauty like an old portrait. Mia is 300 pounds of smile makes him a gentle Ben-always there for me. Lynda is a powerhouse, making my ideas of life as it is much closer to reality. She if stuffed with kindness and acceptance, always able to get a job done. Skip is just happpy-like the dwarfs, he is the happy dwarf-and the busy dwarf. Loves to do embroidery when not busy with other things, and does it well! HOllis is just smooth-one of those guys who only has good clothes, no chore clothes. He can be in the middle of a pig pen with his good clothes on, get the piglets all cared for, and leave the pig pen without a drop of pig pooh on him. How does he do it? Always on top of the jobs to be done, never with a wrinkle in his shirt! Hollis enjoyed the kids-loved Woodrow and thank heavens, is always ready to help me. THen there is Steve, my firend Steve. He is the only one I know that can completely sum up an entire situation with one sentence and be right on task. He can also take a photo that can sum up a situation with one shot! He is an educator, and always teaches me something about life with his presence. His wisdom is great, his cheerfulness is abouding and his friendship is so appreciated. He sees the goodness in everyone-is as kind to the shearers as he is to the Florida rich guys. Thanks Steve, for being you.

So here I am, with only one blood relative within 1200 miles-singing "Blood is thicker than water, love is thicker than blood.". Thank you GOd!

it is getting to be tomorrow

Seems like one puts their head under their wing and just pulls back from everything for awhile, and that is what I have been doing. It is now time to get the eyes open and the ears waxhed out and get busy. I have just been puttering-not getting anything done and walking around my mess while the clock ticks by. This morning I think I can get with the program and get myself busy at the things that I can do. I awoke with a new heart-still many things not resolved but I will fix what I can, not fix what I can't, and try to find the wisdom to know the difference-isn't that what we are supposed to do? I'm excited about my new endeavors and wanting to get on with them. Hoping to put together something with my wool and the sheep are doing all they can to cooperate with the business. They are the best, and the llamas are doing their best as well, Jessie is my constant companion and the kids outside are my entertainment-what more could anyone want? SUmmer on the reservation is fun and I plan to have some. Talk about blessed, yes! I am blessed -every day brings something special in the way of golden!

Welcome home gingerbread woman.

To say the trip was great just doesn't do it-it was spectacular. Not enough time but it was wonderful. The biggest challenge we faced was getting out of the great state of Wyoming, got 125 miles from home and met with road closures every direction. The next morning, with help from my good friend ( in Florida) we were directed out by way of Utah, and what a relief it was. Found happy people and good food, great sights and sheep too! Love that country and am planning the next trip there already.

Found home in great shape-thanks Hollis, and Rasty was improved as well. Thanks Veronica, for her vigil at the nursing home. The lambs grew while I was gone and nobody missed me but the bum lamb-just because I was the one holding the bottle. I am so lucky to have folks around to lend a hand and do it so well.

The farm ground is plowed, and the beans are on their way. Interesting-we'll see.

Went to a wake for a reservation friend, a quiet and sickly fellow, but so very kind. I was struck by how much older all my friends looked-it has been so long since I have seen some of them, and the time has taken it's toll on them. In a place where the average life span is so much shorter than the norm, it seems to be visible by the day. How very sad. My friend was 40-same age as my daughter. He will be missed. THe hardest thing to happen would be to outlive one of your children and his folks were taking it hard.

we're on our way

All we know is that we're on our way. Norma and I are headed south, south , south tomorow morning. Scottsdale is the end point, to Norma's brothers house for a visit. SHe is 75, he is 80 so it may be the last hurrah but at any rate, we're gonna do it. My partner is so not aware, and Hollis is ready to do the sheep/farm chores for me. I have absolutely no business doing this, and will worry about the girls the whole time, but it might be good to see new horizons for a few days. The winter has been so long, and as I write new snow is beginning to fall here. I hope to check out the wool mill in Taos, and the Tuba City weaving museum. Perhaps check out the Navajo looms as well, and eat some fresh vegetables-lots of them!

Hopefully this will help me with my new direction, and get me off my duff-life has been too easy and I have slipped into a do nothing frame of mind that scares me sometimes. I am kind of like Jessie -just wander from room to room, lying low and looking sad. It is time to quit that and get on with things-whatever they may be.

I have found a used loom and have some videos and books coming from ebay on the subject and in the meantime have lots of beadwork to ebay when I get home. I'll also check out the pawn shops down south-the best shoping ever is there. Norma is good at the thrift stores as well so that should be fun. Her brother is a sport and a nice guy-she and I went to Denver to visit him years ago and it was a great trip. I have a TomTom to tell me "turn around" and a thermos for coffee. I bought a "girl jack" to change a tire if I need to-I have always been so afraid of handy man jacks-I got a handy woman jack at Lintons. Looks painless and the price was right. I"m off to hunt up the suitcase, otherwise it is the giant trash bag! UGH!

We'll try the new post one more time

DIdn't get off the ground last time I tried to post-we'll try again. At the Riverton hospital once again, dehydration and pneumonia, as well as whatever that new bug is that everyone has in hospitals and nursing homes. As it is, we are in quarantine (I don't know how to spell that) but it means gowns and gloves. My partner is unable to get up and out of bed, but able only to cuss and fight at top speed. The nurses all ask what he used to do before he got sick-part of me wants to tell them that he was a Baptist preacher-a state senator, had his own radio talk show where he diagnosed peoples sex problems- a florist-I can think of all sorts of responses to the question. I say-rancher and they say-GIvens-oh yes- Britt's dad?

I've been at odds with everyone for poor care, and in some cases too much care, and have decided the only way to handle it is to wait till he gets dismissed from the hospital and get set up to do hospice at the house. His good doctor is only on staff at the nursing home and the Lander Hospital and we are at RIverton with a Mexican doctor who is 21 and gave me a 3 minute crash course on the disease-yeah-right. She quickly explained to me that he could last 1-2 years as his heart is strong- but he has basically quit eating-will take a few bites only to spit or blow the food out after that. Hospice promises help and I have two ladies who are also agreeable to help-our little educated doctor can't seem to see the hand righting on the wall or refuses to look. Hospice has told me that the thing to say is "comfort care only"but at that point the hospital will refuse service and discharge immediately. dr. MIller is on board with me and my plans and will discharge from the nursing home to our house when I am ready. Hollis has promised to help with the sheep-which are low care now-and I left a sign-up sheet at the hospital for the kids (yeah-right). Janet has pledged her support but only to help me, not to help with her father-in-law- and I respect that and I am in agreement with it. SHe loves him dearly and I don't want her to have to see him in that light. THis is the only kind way I see to come to the inevitable natural course of the disease and without a doubt he is ready.

Ethete ball players are at state tourney-"last one to leave Ethete turn out the lights" but both boy's and girls lost their games yesterday so a few might stay home this time. Looks like it is Wind River this year-that would be nice for a great ball team.

I had a good visit with the granny of the little boy in Riverton who needs a liver transplant-they are looking at a 5 year waiting list. SHe told me Tianna was her hero and I must call Josie and get them together-it would be fun and Tianna could help the little boy just with her smile.

Shy came through-Moses is proud. I'll put in photos next time. GOd is good!

All the new faces

Let the games begin

WHat fun-district tournament time for basketball-the greatest sport on the rez. Another chance to watch my super hero Al Redman as coach again-the charter school hired him and he has been trying to make a ball team out of kids that are just now learning the skills. Sadly, most of the team are seniors, but I had to go "watch on". Last night was a hearbreaker-the boys were just not hitting-they did hustle, as Al's teams always do-but couldnt score and were tromped by Burlington. Today they played their big rivals, St. Stephens- a darn good team that has been years in the making. Oh how I wanted a win for them. The last game between the two was canceled due to threatening phone calls from St. Stephens-ohmygosh! Well, of course, I got there late this morning, but could have sworn that there was a meeting of the Wyoming Peace Officers going on there instead of a ball game. I sat with AL and Sandra C'Bearing-Al suggested that free donuts must have been offered! The entire front of the field house was nothing but cop cars. At any rate, John Redman (another hero) was assisting in the coaching duties, and Tom Elk Redman playing for his gramps. It was a ball game-what I wanted to see once again. The boys were hot and had the lead for a little while. They ended up with a loss, but what a great bunch of kids who never quit trying. Al brings out the best in them-and usually their short ball seasons end up being a big part of their lives. HIs style at the games is so laid back, he got up three times during the game, and never does he holler or belittle the kids at a game. I had to laugh-they have no cheerleaders, barely have enough players for a team, but the crowd usually has a leader who starts a cheer and all join in. THe big guy got up-started his "give me a W- give me an A-give me a r-give me another r-give me an o-give me an i-give me a r-give me an s-and the crowd followed. I thought it was a mistake, accidental, till the 15th time that he did it-got home and got the dictionary thinking that many people couldn't be wrong-welllll-why do you think they call it charter high school? Another collsolation game in the morning, I think- I'll go cheer for the WARROIRS!

THe chiefs are playing at RIverton, with their big champoinship game with Wind RIver-it will be a packed house but I'll try to hit that one too. Didn't get to the games this year like I had planned-so cold and dark at night-but I"ll do my best for the last ones.

One more lamb today-a little black girl just as sweet as can be-a yearling mother who loves her-God is Good.

If my life is to go on I have to make it happen, and I shall! Drifts are melting and my personal fog is lifting and I am going to be fine!

so much to say-so little time

I think of Peanuts and the Dear Diary-or was that Little LULU? At any rate, the days have gone by and things are getting to seem normal on the home front. I have been living in a pig pen-not taking the time to pick up or clean-the kitchen floor was a combination of sheep barn and dust-quills all over the counters and the stove. Polly and Lynda called Friday night to say they were coming to visit on Saturday-OOPS! thE WHITE TORNADO CAME AND BOY DID i GET A LOT DONE-THE KITCHEN SCRUBBED, THE BATHROOMS, THE CARPET, WASHED THE WINDOWS AND even cleaned the ice box. I put a pot of beans on with the ham bone left from the Antelopes and I felt so good. THey came with pizza as well and we visited and they, of course, visited the sheep as well. They brought Bobbi, I was so glad as she doesn't travel as a rule, but she had a big smile and a great camera for pictures. The wind was furious, and she sheep were shy-as even the Llamas were shy, but we had fun. I was happ[y to have a clean house, and have been good at keeping it that way all day today. Company was just what I needed. The only difficult time was when we all sat at the table to eat-no one wanting to take the "Rasty seat"-perfectly understandable, of course. As quick as they left I took a nap-exhausted but happy.

Today I went to the nursing home as I hadn't been there since Wednesday. Polly went Friday. Rasty needed a haircut and I had decided to try it as I have cut his hair for 22 years now and he always sat so still and good for me. He was sleeping in his bed, and too tired to wake up. I decided I would go eat lunch and come back to help him with his lunch later, and when I came back he was still sleeping, in Mr. Shorts room, and I sat with him on the bed and visited him. He had refused lunch and was just so tired. One of the nurses came in and helped me get him to the dining room and I fed him a little, but he refused to eat much. He has gotten extremely thin and is not swallowing his food but "pocketing " it-like a chipmunk. Not good signs, but part of the process. At any rate, I did get his hair cut-a bad job-but it is cut-three days will help-it always does help a bad cut. I got a smile before I left, and an "I love you"-worth it all.

Spring keeps staying around the corner-the winds have been cold and the drifts are still big-but it will happen one day. Next week is regional basketball and I"m going-it will be fun. Go Cheifs!

Without a friend

My heart is so heavy-yesterday the wind came up terribly and I was in town. I drove home 30 miles an hour on sheet ice with a prayer in my heart all the way. Later I worried about Janet making it home from Lander, and Guy called to say she was at Milford on the way. I had a feeling of dread-and thought it was because my partner was acting so very badly. This morning Veronica called on her way to work, and my dear friends were killed in a head on on 17 mile just a short time after I got home. Betty Mae was just a delight-she did beautiful beadwork-she would put her grandchildren to bed and bead in the night when no one would bother her beads. She tirelessly worked on dresses, moccasons earrings and anything else that she could put beads on. She made moccasins for both my grandchildren and turtles for their navels as well. She was a Cheyenne and gave me insite into their beliefs and culture and mostly she gave me her love. We spent many happy hours together visiting and telling stories-hers usually began with "I was making fry bread" or "I was cutting dried meat". She was a diamond, and her husband was still so in love with her. THey often walked to the post office together and would sit in the circle and visit before going home. I will hold that picture of the two of them in my heart for it is priceless. She died at the scene and he at the hospital. They, like me, had gone to town on a beautiful day and were caught in the ground blizzard on the way home. Their son called this afternoon to see if I knew-I was glad that I already did know when he called. I wish so that I had someone to cry with-I will go to visit tomorrow if the roads let me. The wind is blowing again tonight very hard, this time a west wind.

Grandma Helen Cedar Tree is at the nursing home-=95 years of legend. I visit her on my way in and my way out each time, and she smiles when I say Toas Newah and gives me a Toas as well and we exchange hugs. Yesterday she asked me what my Indian name is- I told her I couldn't say it, but is meant "works all the time" and asked hers-she told me, and I asked her what it meant. SHe told me "Lives a long time". Later one of her grandchildren said her name translates to Strong Old WOman- for sure! She told me her sister was there, and asked if I'd seen her. I fear her sister is coming to take her home, for she has passed many years ago.

The Arapaho people have made my life so much richer-my job at the post office was a great experience and for once in my life I felt like I really belonged where I was. Usually I just feel like I ended up where I am, not that I really belong. Perhaps thats why I am not looking for employment yet-perhaps soon, but I'll try to find a place where I belong.

I love to blog-it is talking to yourself and sorting things out while you go.

We will sell some equipment at the Weber sale in March-Guy is being good to me- I think- and feeling more like the old GUy-talking farming and calving and B I A and neighbors. I had him help me dock the last 5 lambs-perhaps I am done now.

Poor Polly and Lynda spend the best part of each day just digging out on the Sweetwater-I pity them. My life is easy.

Good night John Boy, Good night Mary Ellen, GOod night, Moon.

THe Wine

What a fine evening- the Irish Catholic nun in the neighborhood invited me to "Fat Tuesday" dinner-a real treat. She is a dear who deserves so much more than the parrish she has-we have been friends for years and the evening was so enjoyable. We discussed everything and nearly everyone over a bottle of the best wine-going home the cops were at the service station-I put both hands on the steering wheel and looked straight ahead-thinking-if they stop me I'll just mumble I went to communion!

Friend Norma went to Ft.Collins for a few days and got home today. She had a great time but was glad to get home-we celebrated with lunch as I missed her! I told her I wondered if they threw her in jail as she was going to come home Monday. She needed the break!

Went to visit my partner, brought him new pictures of the grandbabies in Texas, which he took a bite of. One of our favorite care givers had her arm in a sling-explaining to me that Rasty had twisted her arm and separated her muscle at the shoulder. SHe, in her pain, was forgiving and kind even then. SHe called for the male helper to work with him though. He never acknowledged my being there or spoke anything. THey said he refused lunch and decided not to push it-good idea. After I got home someone called while I was doing chores and said he had hit one of the residents with something-but all was calm now. The deterioration is tremendous in the past month, with weight loss as well. Dehydration was apparent today but I let everything slide as I pitied everyone there greatly. THey are masters at what they do, and their knowledge is so much more than all the books that I've read contain-we talked at length about the disease and how it manifests itself.

THe wind came up while I waas in town and covered the road with sheet ice all the way home, the sheep had put themselves in the barn and the llamas were right behind them. How I love the barn, and the man who built it. I will turn loose of that man, because I love him and I'll give to someone greater than I am what is left.

What to give up for Lent? Perhaps cussing would be good. WE'll see!

The Day I have been looking for

Today is the day I have been looking for. I felt good all day-even loaded 10 bales of hay on the truck without hurting. Me and advil have become best firends, bot today was a good one. I'll take my advil before bed tonight, just in case, but it felt good today to be doing things. I discovered I had unplugged the phone, so I called the nursing home to be sure all was well and they said yes-my partner didn't get to sleep till 1:00 a.m., so he was tired but well today. That was all I needed to decide to stay home and get with things here. I worked on my porki's and did a few minor chores in the house. My little yearling churro, Bella's daughter lambed for me-I've been watching her but with all that wool no bag was visible. I went to the barn to chore early tonight and there she was, just as happy as could be. Mom , uncle and Granny all checked out the baby and she jugged with no problem-trid to suckle the lamb, who is sooo tiny, but pretty sure she had already been there. How I love sheep. Today I watched the mama llama just kissing a little black lamb-and m.l. came to see the new baby too. Mary is so good at keeping Shy out of the corrall-I think she will be excellent at guarding too.

Mia and Hollis will load some of Guy's third cutting from the field for me on Monday-a gift I guess and the sheep will be pleased. Tonight I'll try to set up shearing for March .

Tomorrow I better go to town and check things out again- but my girlfriend is off on a visit so I'll skip dinner. Lynda and Polly went to look at a horse today-I am so afraid that Polly will get herself in a wreck-couldn't stand that, but she is determined so I hope it all works out for her.

Jenny called last night and told me the whole story about her broken leg, still wearing a rod, screws and a plate in her leg-I could hardly stand for her to tell me about it. But she rides every day in good weather, and remains determined.

Got the nicest package from a dear friend in Montana, a candle, some Montana blend coffee, homemade lavender soap and a candle, also a Sheep magazine. She said, take a long hot bath, brew some coffee, light the candle and look at the magazine! How Sweet.

The way we were

Heard "The Way we were" on the radio the other day-seems it says it all. Faded memories-got a call from the nursing home that my partner had taken a fall, but seemed to have only a bruise on his cheek-they said vitals were stable and they were monitoring. I hurried with chores and went it-to find him in another room -he had his back to me and didn't respond when I spoke his name. I went to him and took him to get him back to his room, and he collapsed in the hall. The sweet cleaning lady helped me and we got a chair under him and rested there. His walking was much worse than it had been-hunched forward and doing the walking run thing-I am sure that is how he fell on his face. I got him to another chair in the big room, still on the way to his own room and he grabbed Mr. Kenton's walker to steady himself and Mr. Kenton, who is very sweet, took a swing at him, thinking he was stealing his walker. First, got Rasty sat down, then everyone came to deal with Mr. Kenton, who had calmed down, and I apologized to him and he smiled. He later went to bed with his cap over his face-poor thing. Got Rasty to bed this time, as he was falling asleep in his chair. He slept the sleep of a dead man-wouldn't respond to anything. He was hot with fever and his pulse rate was up. After a bit of discussion "YOU know these altzheimer patients,,,,,,,,,,,,,," the nurse, who refused to make eye contact with me, called the ambulance and we were off to the e.r.. Cat scans, blood work, x-rays and an e k g revealed nothing, but the two bottles of i.v.'s got him going again-he was severely dehydrated. BY that time he was walking up and it was time to get the heck out of there. I was worried that the rapid decline of ability to walk was actually secondary to something-and I think it was the dehydration. At any rate, please don't tell me about"these altzheimer patients" when I have been living with one for quite some time now. The nurse at the home and I parted friends, both agreeing that we were glad it turned out the way it had, and I left him in the hands of "Chuck"who is wonderful. Watching him with the people is like watching a violinist at a symphony-that man is a master.

Turned out my churro lambs yesterday and was enjoying watching them run and jump-with are just too happy for this cold world and brought joy to my heart. Mia is coming to load hay for me today-I can do it but those bales are so heavy and I hurt all night after I load up-just a few bales but they aren't easy to handle. Soon I"ll start using my own hay again and it will be easy again but for now it is the good alfalfa and the lambs are doing so well-growing and thriving. The wind is blowing today, snow in the forecast, but the precipitation is at almost normal now-perhaps it will be a good summer with water.

Got the seed catalogues in the mail, laughed and threw them out. I think I'll plant a "handkerchief garden" with cucumbers, peppers and okra.

I"m working on porki's-sales have been hot and I need to get them done up and out of the freezer.

I'm wondering if Hillary gets elected Bill can be her vice president?

They lit up my life

THe electricians , those mythical fellows, showed up in a snowstorom and did a beautiful job to light up my barn. I quickly put dam canvas in the windows to stop the drafts that had been coming in and we were set. They worked tirelessly in the snow to get me going. THat was Thursday. Sunday morning I went to the barn and turned on the lights only to find that they flickered and died. I checked the breakers and they were off-flipped them only to have them go off again. Oops. I called them yesterday-they came again when it was so very cold, and got me going again. Hurrah! I am done lambing for awhile (I think) and so glad as it is so cold that my wondows are frosted over and I can't see the thermometer. THe nice man in the radio said it was 30 below at his house this morning-brrr!

TO go with the cold we had new snow, so I stayed home on Sunday-just tended my livestock. Yesterday morning Mia and Rachel checked on my and came for coffee. They helped my dig out my barn and Mia said he would help me load hay today. The bales from GUys are so heavy-I am strong but just can hardly life to 3rd cutting. Mia can load the truck for me with several days feed and I'll be set for awhile. Dode and Bridgett came to visit, just bringing cheer and kindness and we ventured out to the barn to see the lambs. Most are turned out but my churro girls-all with black ewe lambs-are still in the nursery and so cute. Perhaps I'll dock them tomorrow if it isn't too cold and turn them out as well. Pat called and visited me a bit-said he wouldn't go to visit his father-these tough cowboys wimp out pretty easy. I let that one be, but did tell him he better go see his son and be a father to him. We'll see-at any rate, he was nice to call and nice to me as well. Guy, Janet and Hollis must be busy at home-nothing from that corner for awhile. WOnder how the trapping is going. I missed the coyotes again.

Had to cancel my wool listing on eb ay as the wool is snowed in the shop and the drifts won't let me get there-what a winter. Looking forward to spring in a big way now-surely it won't be long.

Saturday I went with Lynda and Polly to look at a horse for them-she was a pretty little paint mare, but spoiled and crooked in back. Told Polly she wouldn't work cause I know Polly would never make her mind and the mare would have the upper hand and keep it. I must find them an old gelding from a ranch-sure don't want to get them hurt. The girls are so kind to me, and we topped off the day with Chineese-it was fun.

Today is senoir Tuesday so I'll try to get the car started and venture off to town, visit my partner and collect my $5.00 for Deadwood. Then again, we may stay and play as we have $10.00 total to play with now-why not!

I think of a etching that said-even in the darkest of winter a tiny bit of spring lives in me-hurry spring!

Getting used to the sunshine

THe snow is falling in the Wind RIver Mountains today. My heart, however, is getting used to sunshine. I deeply miss my lifetime partner-no doubt about it, but I am also learning that my new found freedom is amazing. Just to go to the lamb barn and listen to the sounds-something that I have always loved to do-without wondering what is going on in the house in my absence is such a relief. My girlfriend is well schooled on having fun on no funds at all-and she is teaching me where to go for the greatest lunches on what days-where all the old farts hang out-who coffies where and the only thing we haven't done yet is go to the food bank! Yesterday we went to the casino for "senior Tuesday" and I found the largest gathering of blue hairs that I have ever seen at one time in one place. Of course, I was the youngest one there-he he-she called last night to plan our trip to Deadwood South Dakota in March on the bus for $69.00-rooms, meals and all. If we play our cards right we can use our senior Tuesday $5.00 for spending money when we get there.

I went to the first care conference for my husband at the nursing home yesterday, and he is getting along well. He has setteled in better than any of us expected, and is happy most of the time. THe staff is great with him, especially one gal who used to play at the ranch as a child. She knows how to redrect him just right. All the lights are slowly going off now and he is very medicated for calmness but did greet me with "Hi sheepherder" when he saw me yesterday. I had to laugh because he is enjoying the enviornment that is 70 percent female. They asked me at the conference if he was the kind of man who always pulled a chair out for a lady-WHAT?????It is strange to have him wearing sweat pants instead of levis, and tennis shoes with velcro ties instead of cowboy boots but he is confortable. He has lost 4 pounds in the time he has been there so I am thinking that I will take treats in occasionally. They said it would be okay, so I will make enough for all and it will be fun. I don't go there often-twice a week max-which I think is enough as I am busy here on the place and hoping that the children stop by occasionally as well.

It is strange to get used to myself as a partner-so I talk to myself all the time, and usually answer myself as well. I am an attentive listener, and can always hear what myself says, but don't always agree. But myself is used to that, and deals well with conflict for the most part. THe biggest decision myself makes now is what to eat and when-except, of course, for my lunch dates with my girlfriend-I can handle it.

The ups and the downs

Life is just a big mix of emotions now-I must get a direction and go for it! The sheep are keeping me busy enough, with the errands and the year end business to finish. I had only visited my partner once, and just couldn't find it in my heart to face him so yesterday it was off to visit. I found him smiling, and glad to see someone-for about two minutes, then he was off! He spent most of the time I was there walking around his new home as well as pushing the other residents around the room. It was the first time I had seen him in the light that I saw him in yesterday. He was so very disconnected, and I wondered if he had also been at home and I hadn't been able to see it. He had no idea who anyone was, nor did he care. His own world seemed to be absorbed by wheels -wheels on carts and wheels on chairs. He had scored new shoes-well-sort of new-tennis shoes of all things, and needed a shave again. I took him a picture book that I had made for him with his favorite people and things, which he didn't look at but I put it in the closet for him-perhaps later. As he was walking away from me I called him by name, loud enough that he had to hear, just to see if he knew his name. He did turn around after a bit and look at me.

The house is quiet, and I must admit that I am enjoying it. Jessie is somewhat lost, but she had become afraid of Rasty as he did strange things to her, moving her around and causing her to cry out from time to time. She is at my feet constantly, going from roon to room looking mournful. I am cleaning things, and have found $66.00 to date, some of it in a box of 270 shells. Time is passing, and I am okay. Lonesome? Yes. No longer worried though, I'll go on.

Friends have been wonderful, and even Rasty's sister-in-laws have checked in, after a few toddies-but have been supportive. Guy and Janet are on board and Hollis is just the greatest. I must do something super for him-as he goes above and beyond. THe old lady that we lease from called, and we had a great visit. Said she would go with me for another 10 years, as her last lease with Rasty was for 10 years as well and ends this year. I remember that day she and Rasty did the lease ten years ago and wonderred where they would be in ten years. Seems like yesterday. At least Anita is good.

Just one new set of twins since my last post, one black and one white ewe lamb. THey are precious.