on the way

I failed at taking the advise of my friend-he said-not on a holiday. Yet, it will be on a holiday. Rasty is on his way. When the opportunity knocked I couldn't turn it down. It is the best I could do, the availability may not be there after the holiday, and the time line didn't fit before the holiday. My prayer is that I can make it to the holiday and past. I told the good doctor that I felt I owed it to my partner to make him as safe and comfortable as I could, and that is when he agreed and said that I must give the job up and over to others. My heart is heavy and my mind is gone. I have told no one, and no one has asked. Soon I will call my Sweetwater friends and ask them for help in transport then it is done. -oh-I probably should buy pajamas for my partner. A first. I'll be okay, and I think he will too.

what to do what to do

Rereading my old blogs-it seems to help me try to fall through the "days of our lives". The family meeting never really happened-I did call Guy the other day when his dad was absolutely crazy and I went outside -came back in-went outside-came back in-the following day I called Judy and asked her to please try to keep her dad occupied on the phone for 20 minutes-she of course failed. She did ask me how my week was, and filled in the word "trying"for me-an interesting word, I said. Britt stopped by on Saturday-first he had showed up since shearing. He had stories to share but I mostly went outside and did my sheep chores-if I feed after I put the sheep in the barn I can load up the next days hay and I actually have two days ready to go. That way only a few minutes once every other day is sufficient for someone to watch Rasty. Today no one came or called, but good old Janet came yesterday and gave me time to chore and shower-she is a blessing and I wonder if she doesn't wonder where Guy is most of the time. SHe tries to do her part. Wednesday is Sally day and I'm going to Rasty's doctor that day to talk about the future. Some days are a peice of cake, but the life I am living is no life and lets face it-no one but me and my blog buddy know what goes on. Tomorrow I have to get him in the dreaded shower-always a big fight and both of us hate it. Urination happenes whenever wherever at night-just a few hours sleep at a time accompanied by wild dreams. I can't concentrate on anything-and at the same time I am so fearful. I hate alone, buy yet I am alone now in most ways. NO, I have my friends, a few, but the very best friends that a person could have. I am not alone. And I have Jessie, who lays by me and goes from room to room with me. She is now so afraid of Ratsy, and even barked at him yesterday.

And I have my first lamb-lost the white one of a set of twins, and the black one is not hardy, but the mother refuses to be jugged and is too big for me to sideline-a very flighty two year old-so I let her take it with the bunch to the corral feed ground. Cinnamon put up a fight for it-trying to steal it. She closely examined the baby, and then wondered where it's neck was, and it's legs, finially giving it back to the awaiting mother. God thank you for the animals. Thank you GOd for the friends, and thank you GOd for the many many memories of other times.

nine lives

I killed the cat. I did, I killed the cat. He was in obvious distress, and I had been putting off the trip to the vet, knowing how fearful he is when he is traveling-hating to take him for that one last ride. I went to the old ice box where I have as many vet supplies as the vet does, knowing that I had what it would take to kill the cat. I called my old friend who worked for vets for years, she agreed that I did have what it takes,, about 4 times what it takes to kill the cat the 18 year old, skinny, scrawny cat. I said my prayers, grabbed the cat and administered what I thought would be the final dose-everything went well, he didn't even wince and went to sleep in about 2 minutes. Greatly relieved, I gently stroked him and told the Creator to take him to where the mice went so he would be happy. I stroked him, and I stroked him, and he slept and slept and slept. Well, I could understand it, I needed to tell him that it was okay for him to "go home", that I could manage without him in my bed at night-in the middle of my bed at night. So I told him. And he slept and he slept. So I knew that he wouldn't go if I was watching, so I left him alone-came back-still he was sleeping. I looked at the clock, knowing my friend would be asleep I just grabbed the syringe and again administered a fatal dose. He slept and he slept. The third time was the charm-but now I know that cats really do have nine lives. He was a great cat, never bothering and always maintaining his pride. A wonderful, loving and happy addition to our household, and he is missed. I hated killing him, but I am glad that he has gone home and he suffered no pain in the process and no fear as well. Strangely, in the last seconds of his life, his hair stood on end and was electrically charged-his spirit leaving. I have seen people die and never witnessed the spirit leaving but I could see it go when Beauty went home.

The sheep have been so beautiful- they came to the yard today to eat the old corn stalks after they had munched their hay. How restful and relaxing it was to stand out on the deck and hear their bells softly ringing as they moved slowly along. They are starting to look lamby and I need to get some work done. Called my friend Mia today and he will help when he can. I trapped Hollis for a few minutes today- I asked him to bring the mail when he checked traps, and he said he was going to come and get firewood anyway so while he was here I quickly loaded my hay for morning, put the sheep in the corral, then put out tomorrows hay so all I have to do in the morning is open the gate. With any luck I can keep ahead of the game-Rasty just can't be left when he is awake-today he squeezed out the strawberry jelly in about 60 seconds-all the jelly. He is into rearranging furniture now, but generally sleeping more-just not sleeping when I want him to sleep. I am glad I still have the sheep-they are no problem-they are my joy. Just doing them justice is the problem, but they are good girls and should be easy lambers. THe barn is toasty when they are in it, and last year I only had to pull one lamb and I spend all my spare time praying now days so should be fine.

My friend from Jackson called, and for the 10th year is bringing goodies to Ethete for Christmas. She is a walking wonder and it was great to hear her voice. Hope I can get to see her.

Life is good. I really do miss the cat.

perhaps another day

In looking for future lodging for my partner I have just not gotten my soul ready for the commitment as yet. Tonight I will call the neighbors from across the road together and hold a small family conference. With a little more help I feel that I can hold things together for a short time longer and need to do that in my heart. Yesterday I had lunch with my friend whose husband went to Sheridan to the veterans home two days before. She was gleeful, already giving away his clothes and cleaning him out of the house. Perhaps that made me reflect on the facts that the move is one way and the end. I do not wish to postpone the end, but I do want to keep the quality of life the best that I can for my partner until the end. I owe him that. His quality of life is so limited by the disease that I hate to take away his favorite chair, the company of his cat and the security of the cookie jar right around the corner. Sally, sweet Sally, is only available for the 4 hours per week now, and senior citizens may have some staff to offer me at a later date. There is a care giver available at 12.00 per hour whom I have not met, but she seems to be game. Altho other things have become more difficult, he is sleeping more and that is a plus considering that lambing is coming up soon. Nursing home facilities would not be close to home and I am sure the children would not visit him nor would I-he doesn't know us, but he does enjoy a friendly face. I will just keep doing my best for one more day.

winter

The season when the bear sleeps is here. The wind is blowing and there is snow-clean white snow blowing around. I just got my sheep in-had to walk a bit so they could hear me as they were working the ditch banks and out of the wind-they looked happy but I was worried about the coyotes. They finally heard me and came a running-I love them. They smelled so very good-wet wool-oh yes! I love that smell. Smells a lot like the house during lambing. I called Janet this morning and had her keep Rasty on the phone long enough for me to do my chores, and he slept as I called the sheep in. Somebody is looking out for me. I tried to get him shaved and bought some neat new foamy soap-a little goes a long way. I didn't know that and really had him soaped up! He said it pulled, so I changed blades and went at it again. He cussed awhile and I just quit. Made him wash all that soap off his face himself and now he is all shaved except for his chin, neck and nose. May have to start a new style for winter. Some things are just hard.

No one has called-perhaps we'll call someone after awhile. For now I have the sidewalks brushed off and Lonesome Dove is playing and the house is nice and warm. I feel sorry for those people who were having craft fairs today as I bet the turnout was not good. I sold an ebay item while I was still listing-a first for me. It paid my listing fees anyway. I'll call Texas and hear a weather report there. Yes!

and the beat goes on

Sally, oh sweet Sally came yesterday. I had chores to do in Lander, and what a great time. I saw lots of my rez friends and got hugs and hugged back! How I miss my friends there. I want to go to a Chiefs basketball fame this winter. Been trying to find a place for my sweet husband, but to no avail. I have learned lots in the last few days-each telephone call leads to three or four more but I am finding the people who are smart, or have the phone numbers for those who are smart anyway. As for assets, they have to have been in place for 5, count em- 5 years. I did find a source for more home help and will check on that today. Partner isn't good outside anymore as he can't follow instructions and just takes off randomly even when he isn't mad now. The sheep may once again become a problem, but they try to hard to be good and not ask for much. For now I can work around naps with them, and I fugure Polly will come live with me at lambing if I let her. Rasty has no idea where, who, what when or why when he awakes in the morning. Will and Veronica have been coming, and both are so good with him. They are great kids. will call a "staff" meeting soon with Guy and Janet.

move on

We made it through Thanksgiving. Son Pat showed up yesterday-first time since Labor Day, and stayed about 30 minutes. He broke down for awhile, I told him to stay strong and gave him a hug. Surprisingly he didn't ask about the horses-I was glad. Polly came with the best leftovers-really made us a great bunch of plates, olives, cranberries, pie, cheese, sweet potatoes and of course turkey- even a drumstick. Janet had to help me early in the morning Thanksgiving as Rasty headed off east "going home"-that devil can move fast when he is moved. That shuffle is a running walk-like one does when falling forward, and it covers the ground. I fortunately had him headed back in the right direction by the time she got here. That was during the better part of the day-it was hell all day for the last two days. Tonight I got him onto the bed-not into-and he refused to undress or take his glasses off. I don't care-I am tired-so tired and I don't care. Janet and Guy came over this morning and he was prince charming-that even makes me madder. I am reading ELDER RAGE-Someone take my father-and the author makes light of the tough stuff but at least I know there is someone else who understands the Jekyll-Hyde thing. I was sure I had two wolves in the field east of the house early this morning, Hollis said they were coyotes though-they put the run on Moses. They were huge-when I first saw them I thought they were deer, very dark, and didn't move like coyotes. I'll keep watch, and the sheep have been staying up by the house-now I know why. They could have also been the remnants of the dog pack that killed Pete. Hollis assured me the "we'll get um". I love Hollis.

Perhaps tonight rest will come. It is full moon and that's not a good sign, but I have all the windows covered. We'll try.

and we still have our humor

Just to show you how good we are-this morning was met with disaster as far as the cat was concerned. Another hit was taken to the cat box, the back porch, behind both bathroom doors and the waste paper basket in the bathroom. Found it somewhat disconcerting, as I had mopped the floors late last night to have a clean house when Sweet Sally came today. Well, now for the humor. As I was picking up my partners room I had to laugh out loud-yes, out loud. In a heap on the floor was a prayer shawl that was a gift from one of the daughters. At the time I had thought-yes-that will really help. It will see that the ironing is done, the toilets cleaned, the supper cooked-yes-this will do the trick. As a matter of fact, as I picked it up I noticed that it felt quite chilly, a little heavy and had a recognizable odor to it. Forgive me Lord, but I laughed out loud.

MY Sally day was a lifesaver. For the first time I could go slowly from errand to errand, and enjoy shopping and visiting. I saw my friend at social security, a good man with a kind heart and strong family ties. He was only somewhat helpful, but sent me to senior citizens where I found a wonderful nurse who has worked at Morning Star Manor in the past. She was so helpful, and so understanding. She suggested that I paint the toilet seats black so my partner can see them-but what about the prayer shawl- I didn't ask. She also felt that the time had come, and we parted with a big hug and she felt she had helped me, and I knew she had helped me. My next step is to contact the Morning Star, then the doctor-who is also the nurses doctor. I got two books from the library-Elder Rage and The 36 hour day-both highly recommended and will try to read them as I can. I'm going to do a Christmas letter to the kids and recommend the books to the kids, but I'm not saying what I have planned yet-we'll wait to see what availability is. At this point my partner has no idea who he is, who I am or where we are. I don't see how it can matter now, sadly.

Hollis and Will were here for dinner-what a joy it was. They chit chatted about trapping, trips and people they both knew-a lively exchange and I was so glad Hollis let me feed him-that never happens. Will is a sure bet for supper if he is working here, and the deck is nearly done, but tonight it is getting snowed on. I told Rasty we would have to think of things for Will to help us with after the deck is done just to keep him around for company. He is good to Rasty and tries to involve him in the conversation.

Guy sent two loads of third cutting hay to me for lambing-oh boy! It is nice hay and we will put it in the barn a little at a time as needed. That will probably work best. The sheep are looking pretty heavy and it won't be long now. I can hardly wait.

Well looks like Steve got outta here just in time as it is winter now. The snow is flying and the temperature has dropped-ouchy cold. Tomorrow it is long johns at our house. We will sit quite for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year but I am going to decorate the deck with boughs of holly-or-something!

new offer

My dear friend Steve has taken off in a cloud of Wyoming dust, headed for those Florida beaches. How I will miss him-his cheery hello's, his nice tricks of stopping by with dinner, surprises, treats for the doggies and various sunshine that he spreads, not to mention his kind and caring and knowledgeable advise. Seems that our mutual friend Paula has stepped up to the plate, as she wrote me a nice email offering to do errands from town or helping with chores. How sweet that was, as she has 3 children of her own -each one at a very busy age, a big house and a husband to care for. Nice to know that I still have an ace in the hole if things get bad. I know she is sincere and will be here if I call.

Just a sleepy day today-really low key and that was good. I was terribly tired and perhaps tonight I can get some work done after partner goes to bed. Beautiful weather with a storm on the way.

one armed paper hanger

My poor friend Norma-she had her husband who suffers from Alzheimers and parkinsons as well, all set to go to Sheridan to the veterans home for a week. She broke her right arm and is in a cast from her fingers to above her elbow. Sadly, she did it three weeks ago and due to bad doctors just got it casted two days ago. She will be wearing the cast for at least 6 weeks and her life is extremely hard cleaning up after her man. All the arrangements were made and she had a driver for the trip, him packed and the paper work ready when he refused to go. She is not able to care for him now, and was at her wits end. She chose to leave him and move in with her sister. He is unable to care for himself and has become lost three times in the last two months and fallen and could not get up once. Her only choice would have been to have him put in restraints and taken against his will. What an awful thing this disease is as it robs judgement. He will have forgotten all about it if she goes home, but she won't forget about it, and cannot care for him anymore. To say heartbreak is to greatly understate the situation-now what will happen next?

Relieved

Well,,,,,I was relieved to know that there are absolutely no prostate problems at our house, noticed a good solid stream happening at the foot of my bed about 3 this morning. Jessie was less than pleased, and left to find rest elsewhere. This alzheimer stuff is not for sissies! Had a nice visit with Polly yesterday, who stopped for a few minutes, and then a visit with Steve before his departure to Florida. The Arapahoes never say goodby-just "later" and we are looking forward to his great blogs and seeing him in the spring. He brought me a survival kit that contained all the necessary ingredients, even honoring my lass than tasteful request-didn't know it came in a bottle that big-but it will be a lifesaver when I do need it. Thank you Steve, and may your winter be blessed with all the good things you and Buster deserve.

First born daughter stopped by Thursday, and it was nice to see her dad and her sitting on the couch side by side. I never realized how much they look alike till then. They enjoyed each other-and it was good.

THE deck is nearly finished, and Steve and Rasty had a good laugh over showing the deck off. I just wish it was May instead of November, but the days have been warm and already I have gone out there for a few minutes rest from the monotony and I can check on my partner from the window. He will enjoy it as well, and it will have a door on it so he can't wander off. The best part of the deck has been visiting with Will while he is building it-he is a dear soul, and an old soul with much wisdom for his age. He has been great with Rasty, who has "helped" every day that Will has weorked. I love to call him my son-in-law and brag on him-he deserves it.

Sweet Sally will come for me on Tuesday as she is busy on Wednesday. I have no plans but a shoping spree at WalMart-that would be great. I want to get Christmas lights to put on the deck and some new shirts for my partner, who has gotten a tiny tummy.

Often times I think of my dad and how easy he was to care for, how he was never cross and cranky and how hard he tried to stay with us even though he felt so bad. He cared for my mother all by himself for years, and she was always mean and snyde to him, and he never complained. I am feeling so much guilt for not being able to help him with her, as the miles separated us then. He was a trooper and I hope he is enjoying his rewards now.

Friend Norma is taking her husband to Sheridan today to the home there. She tried as long as she could to care for him, but now a broken arm has her unable to keep up. She has a week respite care for him there, and I hope they will just make room for him permanently as she is exhausted and loosing heart. THis is not for sissies, and she is no sissy but it has taken it's tole.

Some time the best things just show up

I visited Lynda and Polly last night and they have a new dog-a guardian of the flock-they thought it belonged to a neighboring sheep outfit and it didn't-he's very skinny and very shy-but went right to work at the Drift Fence Sheep Company. Their llama is quite upset and has taken his place between the dog and the sheep. They wanted to give me the dog, if it can be caught, but I think this fellow knows where his home is, and he is there. SO often in life the best things just show up. My dear adopted daughter is like that-she adopted me years ago when she showed up at the "little blue house" at Arapahoe. She has spent so much of her life filling my life with joy. Shelly just showed up one day and has been a wonderful part of my life ever since. We don't always know what we need in our lives, but there is a bigger plan. Bad things also just show up, but for a reason, to teach us. Every thing that comes to us has a lesson for us, if we only take the time to listen. The moral of the story is never , never overlook those things that come your way. Things that are not the establishment are often intriguing, invigorating and fulfilling. They also seem to be my favorite.

And these few precious hours

A beautiful day-chilly this morning-I broke the ice on the water before I let the sheep out for the day. Partner was up with a smile on and so he helped with chores, got a shave and is napping. Yesterday was fun-kids came to steal wood but no time to visit, but that was okay as Steve came to retrieve his wonderful hat and helped us with the Oriental Palace left overs. He got tickeled at Rasty's newly acquired table manners- but we had a good visit. We always have a good visit as he knows how to get a laugh and a smile out of Rasty! Later that afternoon our deck builders showed up to measure and recalculate the new placement of the ramp. They visited and stayed for supper and helped me get the dreaded pill down partners gullet. My ebay has taken off, with good sales and encouraging emails from lookers. First born emailed to say how busy she has been with work and of course church and Halloween, but perhaps Wednesday---I advised her that I quite understood as I had juggeled schedules with work, family, husband and life for all the years I was luckily enough to have my father. Neglected to add the band of sheep and bum lambs but I think she got the picture. I then advised her that we were, however busy on Wednesday. My father would say that I had a long tongue and sharp nails. probably so. It is their loss as there are few precious hours and perhaps I don't want to share with those who are not worthy. At this point it is my choice.

The deck

Big and Beautiful Day

Where to start- THe night before was a no sleep night-partner up and down and I finially gave up on sleep about 5 a.m. and opted to stay up and see the sunrise. Guy Janet and Steve were bringing dinner-that much I knew and I was looking forward to it, and Rasty was too when I reminded him about it. The day started off slowly, and we got shower and shave done and the chores. We just went oh so slowly and quiet and then WOW! The great crew arrived to work on the deck and ramp. Veronica, the boys and Will came with smiles on faces and tools in hand. They got started and we got Rasty outside to help. Veronica is so good with her "dad"-having lost both her parents she understands the value of old folks, and as an elementary teacher, she is just wonderful showing and telling and making all well with Rasty. SHe gathered him up and they were building the deck. I loved it. Will is a man pf few words but many smiles and a kind heart like Veronicaa-they are good together and he is so good with her boys. It was great to see everyone happy and working together. Steve and Guy and Janet were bringing supper, and Steve had called to see if the builders were here earlier and I had said no-I called and he laughed and said-"the more the merrier"-part of what I love about him! He brought the entire oriental Palace to our house, and Janet and Guy probvided desert and the party was on. Steve made me believe that I had sneaked my birthday by him-not so! He is the most thoughtful gift giver, and replaced my Martha Stweart grilling kit with great tools-we laughed and giggeled. I even have a tool belt and new tape measure, along with a brand new needle nosed pliars-not not to worry-I now have a complete new nice barbeque set of tools that would put even Martha Stewart to shame-ablolute shame. The chain on our gate, which seems to grow shorter every time it is opened and closed, not has three-count em-three new links on it-thanks again Steve. Soon all were full and happy and Rasty was ready to "hit the sack"-but he didn't know where the sack was" we disbanded. As I looked around the kitchen, which Janet had cleaned up for me, I saw it. Remimded me of the geenie who comes, does good deeds and then is gone with only the hat left and a tiny puff of smoke-

Mary

The joy of youth is something to behold. What fun it is to watch our cria-she delights in the pidgeons. She first follows them at a distance, then pushes them around with her nose. After she tires with that, she makes a fast run at them watching them fly. I know that one day she will take a run at them, then fly off too. She and the lambs have yet to play together, altho they do eat together now and the ewe doesn't get after her anymore. Cinnamon is feeling so very good,even she bucks and jumps when I let her out of the barn for the day.

THe deck is four big boards now-with lots of lumber stacked up and ready to go. I think today is the day, as Will can borrow Veronica's boy for a "gofor". Steve and the kids are bringing dinner tonight, once again spoiling for before Steve's departure next week.

Norma's husband ran away and was found by troopers in Natrona after receiving a call about erotic driving. Luckily, a trooper was coming from there to here, and delivered him to his front door. Today she has to go fetch the van-which I told her not to bring home. Her days are going to be harder now as she doesn't dare let him drive again. Rasty doesn't get into the vehicles and try to drive like he used to-just the last two weeks he has stopped that. He used to try to start them without a key, and pull out every knob and turn on every switch while he was there. When I started the pickup the radio would be blairing and the wipers going, the emergency brake on and it would be in 4 wheel drive.

It was very hard on Dode to see his dad Wednesday when they brought dinner. Rasty went into the bathroom, after I showed him where it was. He closed the door, and didn't come out for a long time. When I checked on him he didn't know how to get out of the bathroom, and Dode was so sad. The difference must be so hard on the kids who don't often see him. Bridgett is just sunshine-she is an old fashioned girl, sewing and gardening and mothering. A delight and I am so glad that Dode has her. Hope he hangs on to her.

THe sun is getting ready to come up, and we are going to make this a good day-

a little more time

A good day-each day that is good is so enjoyable-managed a short ride-to the Fort and home with a good look at those mountains on the way up. I am thankful to have a friendly market so close, and we always manage to see a smile or two from an old friend there-we didn't really need groceries, just the ride. Guy, Janet and Hollis came to visit, and Hollis gave me his washer and dryer, and even installed them and hauled the old away for me. Talk about brownie points---He is good to me and so good to his Grandad. I must find a way to spoil him. He comes over to visit occasionally and brings a little sunshine when he does. Watched the cria play with the pigeons-she and the lambs haven't really visited much-they are a "gang" and don't really race around the corral like she does-perhaps when they get a little older they will. SHy made a run for her this morning, and mama llama ran her out of the corral then ran to me, as I was still at the barn door, wanting in the barn. I cought Shy and tied her up-this is the first morning that I let Shy have the opportunity to be bad and she was. Rasty had a pretty good day, making it through the activity pretty well and not stressing at all. I had to show him where the bathroom was each time today-he gets like a puppy-very nervous-then goes to the door and I ask him, and then I show him and all is well. I can do it. He called me by name once this week, and the only children he mentioned by name were Guy and Ronnie. Each night he talked about going home, but was satisfied when I told him we would stay here tonight. He no longer misses Elllen at night-for which I am relieved as that was a rough one. He rearranges the furniture but doesn't hide things quite as much as he used to. THis morning he got dressed all by himself and did a good job. He hasn't tried to start the truck or the car for over a week, but can't open and close the front gate without help anymore. THe bad days still have a not wuite so bad days to follow it-makes things a little easier. It is good we can still go outside for walks and chores-we both enjoy that. One day at a time.

leaps and bounds

It is leaps and bounds, but they are backwards. We are no longer socially appropriate. THe cat is furious-at first I thought the cat box was leaking-it is more than he can handle. Poor old cat. We did get out for a ride yesterday- just a beautiful day with high Wyoming skies and nice cool, but not cold air. Off to Lander for sweet feed for the animals and dog food, a trip to the library and then to McDonalds. We got shakes there, and my poor partner would put the straw in his mouth and tip the cup up at the same time. Luckily, the shakes were chocolate, and he had his brown vest on. THe highlight of the trip for me was the Ethete post office, where I saw so many smiles and got so many hugs. I had hoped to take Rasty there for Haloween as the toddlers come trick or treating, but it was too foggy. When we got home he hurried to fill a bucket with sand that he raked up from under a tractor-he was furious with me and I'm still not sure what he wanted. First born child called to see if I wanted her to come over this week one evening-she teaches school and comes from 5-6;30. I told her that was nice of her, but it was chore and dinner time so made it difficult for me to do anything then anyway and suggested she try Saturday-met with silence. I told her Ijust needed to get to the feed store, but instead we got it done today-no need to worry. Guy, Janet and Hollis came Halloween with sugar cookies and smiles and visits. THe boys are fencing off the silage pit getting ready for the cows to come home. The ramp crew is supposed to be here this weekend-if they come it should be fun. Had a good visit with Jenny-she pledges suppport. Poor Katie is in trouble, she got a B in spelling-told Jenny to lighten up. She sometimes sounds like my mother-I spend so much money and time on private school and she gets a B???? I remind Jenny that she took dumbell spelling at Casper College. I also reminded Jenny of her teacher who said she expected perfection and knew that she was perfect. I think she lightened up. Sometimes I wish I could try at being a parent one more time, but them I sober up.

THe sheep are being perfect, and Rasty does enjoy watching the cria play during the day. Her weakness is corn-she now lets me scratch her back-quickly-very quickly! I love her, and I told Katie she was softer than a teddy bear-"thats pretty soft" she said. Kaycee told me she was "fantastic".

fur side inside-skin side outside

It is an inside out day-two shirts-two hats, a string of clothes all over the house and lots of boots of all colors, sizes and kinds. Were not gonna weaken and we'll get through it. At last, a nap-a good nap. Hurrah! Haloween brought snow and fog, and Sweet Sally weathered out-don't blame her as the construction is tricky even in the sunshine. I again canceled my appointments and dug in for the day. Caught up on correspondence and that is all-can't turn my back on the partner today unless he is sleeping. I am fortunate to have the bestest friends in the whole world and the prettiest sheep and llamas and the smartest dogs and the oldest cat. God Bless America.

new tricks

Each day presents new tricks- but we have had some splended days. Friday went so well, my partner was really good while we got the sheep sorted and sent to town. He stayed outside and nearby and acted interested for awhile. Guy and Hollis were super, even after I surprised them with great big juicy kisses for helping with the horses. Guy allowed as-not to worry-I've been kissed by lots worse-he really made me giggle. One thing I do know-when I need help with livestock I have the best help with livestock in the country-and I am blessed! The horses being gone gave me a chance to turn mama llama and Mary out into the corral-for which they were gleeful. I am hoping that the baby will form a bond with the triplets, but for now she knows that they are children of a lesser God. They are short and have no necks and are covered with short curly stuff-they can't run and kick and jump near as high and they cry for their mother all the time. Mary did eat rolled corn out of my hand-she nuzzeled my fingers oh so gently and I touched her neck oh so gently. DOn't know when I have enjoyed a little one as much as I enjoy her-and her mother is so kind and sweet-absolutely amazing animals. Sunday brought a visit with friend Steve, for whom I am ever thankful. He was recharged from his trip and always a great story teller-he brought dinner that will do for the rest of the week. He is a hero! Rasty did some new tricks while Steve was here, but saved the best for this morning when he put a paper napkin on top of his hot cake, poured syrip on top and began to eat. Another new thing is rearranging the furniture-raiding the drawers has diminished. He has begun to interact with the television-I seldom have it on now when he is up but he doesn't understand that the action is not happening in the living room-only on the television. I am continually amazed by the many ways in which this disease manifests itself-even more frightened and horrified at what it does to a brain. The biggest saving grace is-the smile is still there-one has to look for it and pull it out sometimes, but it is there. That is the blessing.

my jeans

Never have I considered myself fussy-you can drink from my coffee cup, steal my pocket knife and gloves and even pee on the bathroom floor-but stay out of my jeans! Last night I left my jeans on the shower rod to dry and this morning my mate was in my jeans-and a pair of his as well. That has happened before, so when I go to bed I hide my pair that I take off. 5:30 in the morning there he was-getting into my jeans and I came untrained. By 7 I got him out of both pairs and back to bed, for about 15 minutes and I successfully hid the jeans. He retaliated by not going outside to help with anything and said "no" to every and any thing I asked him. I don't blame him. There was a day when I wished he would get into my jeans, and I can still remember it. MY how things change.

Guy came and got the horses in the 15 minutes that his dad was down-I am glad they are gone, and it wasn't noticed at all. It was a "Sally day"-hurrah-except for the construction that took 45 minutes longer for her to get here, and 45 minutes longer for me to get home. I had to run from errand to errand but it was a joy and I had lunch with an old girlfriend whose husband has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's as well-her life is really hard and getting harder by the day. We shopped and got her a lock for her door as he ran to Kmart at 5 a.m. two mornings ago-the manager called her to come and get him and she didn't know yet that he had escaped. He still drives but frequently gets lost.

Dode came for a great visit-he is so happy and it is wonderful to see. I am thankful he has found a partner-and such a nice one with a nice family. Father Apel also came to visit from Colorado-one of the truly most fine people that has hit the planet. He is between jobs and resting-much needed rest. Left us to visit Lydia Harris at Diversion Dam. She too is a Jewel. All in all we had a great day, but my partner never improved his mood and refused to help with the sheep tonight. When I get back into the house he had eaten half the box of hamburger helper sauce out of the envelope and was wearing the other half on his shirt and jeans (yes-his jeans).

TOmorrow is the sheep sale and Guy will take some of my "expendables" to the sale for me-I'll cut down on the oddfellows and go for a lamb crop instead with year. Don't look for much of a sale at Riverton, but I do have some nice lambs and some very, very big wethers-we'll see.

Mild seas

Beautiful days, topped by smiles and sunshine-what more is there to want? Cool mornings with ice on the water buckets have proven that it is late fall, snow is on the mountaintops and the dogs are furry. The horses, however aren't hairing up so maybe winter won't bring terrible cold. The triplets and the cria are doing so well-tomorrow the horses will be in the pasture and I can let them out into the corral for the day, putting them in the barn at night. I can hardly wait to see them run and play. Thursday is my "free day" with no plans other than the accountant in RIverton. Friday I'm taking some of the expendable sheep to the sale barn to cut down on the flock somewhat but I have over 900 bales of hay so things are looking good. No front ramp yet-got to check with the ramp builder and get another one perhaps. The weekend brought good visits from old friends and brightened the spirits here. I feel like we can handle life again-love the locks on the doors as I sleep much better now-a great security blanket. SO far-this week is a piece of cake! THanks, Creator!

that other season

Fast now it is becoming winter. The leaves have flown off the trees on the river, taking all the color with them. I have locks on the outside doors now so my partner can't sneak outside at night-that is good. Made me rest much better last night. He hasn't noticed yet, and even the installation went unnoticed-except he used it as his last chance to escape. Yesterday morning he managed to put his legs into his shirt sleeves-came out with the cuffs buttoned around his ankles holding the collar up to his waist. I don't think I could do that, but he was having difficulty walking very fast. He is very calm today, even with a rain/snow storm raging outside. I am thankful. First born child came yesterday evening for about 2 hours-he enjoyed it and I did too. I took a nap-a much needed nap. I am trying to be happy today, but I get so lonesome for my dad-the one who I could really really visit with-my cousin called and he has actually no one but a sister. He is working on developing a social life and has joined Rotary in Medford. We talk about lonesome together sometimes-he is a good man and probably was too good for any woman. He is a gentle sort, we must become closer in our later years. We can comisserate.

match made in Heaven

Today it really happened. This tiny little angel walked in my door and stood toe to toe to my husband and started up a conversation that didn't quit! Our helper is great! TIny, white haired, full of fire and just right for the job. They got along great, and he was pleased. SHe kept him occupied and busy, even though the weather was cold and windy. I went to Lander and got errands done, leisurely and pleasantly and came home just in time to open the gate for the sheep. Promised to be here next Wednesday and I think she really will be. Bless her, she has a son 41 who is skitzo-has to stay on meds or he hears voices. SHe says she will have him till one of them dies. And here she is helping me....he has a day job at community entrty services but she has him the rest of the time.

Hope friend Steve is traveling okay and not in too much weather. Lynda is coming out Saturday to visit-I am going to tribal court tomorrow to try to help a friend. Hope it turns out okay-kind of scary. Wish they had asked me sooner but they came over tonight-kind of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but they are in the right so I should try it.

THe leaves are mostly gone now, but it has been splendid-the cria is growing so fast. Found some great Llama facts on the net-will study more soon. Judy says she will come Friday at 5 for a few hours-a nap might be in store then-we'll see.


Each night when I put my partner to bed we say the Lords Prayer together-he is so good at the AMEN. SO-AMEN!

When will we.............

Seems like so much time is spent waiting for things to happen-got all the hay stacked but what the kids are going to put in the barn-but now we have to wait for that for a few days for the kids to get out of school again. Too wet on Sunday morning-no kids on Sunday afternoon. I'm looking ofrward to the ramp and deck on the south side of the house-no builder yet-just came to measure and disappeared. NOw-with what I can make happen the story isn't much better- neeed to get our fence finished and the barn cleaned out and the garden fixed up for next spring. Yes, there will be a next spring. Okay, okay-we'll report again tomorrow perhaps with some progress.

THe neighborhood was struck with tragedy with the loss of Pete, Mary dad, Cinnamon's dad, Mary's Grandad-perhaps Cinnamon's grandad-loved by all and a llama for all seasons. THe wild dogs got to him, and in spite of brave efforts to distract them, they were killers. Such a sad story and such a tragic waste. Our barn was somber upon hearing the news, and Mary twitched her nose as Cinnamon hummed. THey blinked back tears. He bravely defended his family, as Cinnamon had done when faced with similar circumstances with the pit bulls. He taught her well and gave his life for his family. Llama are becoming high on my list of loves. I'm trying to find some info on the net about them-all I have found so far are people trying to sell something- Cinnamon and Mary are delightful, very polite and mannered with Mary becoming more curious every day. SHe lets me touch her now-but not with anyone else around. She gave Rasty the once over today-nut sure about him at all but he seemed to enjoy seeing her. He rarely goes to the barn with me anymore, but enjoyed it today.

We are loosing ground fast there-his walk is no longer the shuffle but more of a kind of short step falling forward motion-seems like just in the last week. He has trouble getting to the bathroom in time, and almost always heads outside to go in the day time. He still wants to go home at night, but seems to not mind as much when I suggest we stay here for the night. He rarely mentions anyone by name anymore, and hasn't asked where his mother is this week. He is not as cranky and hasn't picked up any pieces of wood to use and hasn't thrown anything-I'm hoping the violence and cranky was directly related to the copenhagen withdrawl, in which case I completely understand. Every time I quit smoking I became a danger to myself or other people. Every other night he sleeps only a short time, gets up and wanders around and goes back to bed. TOnight is one of those nights, but last night was a good night. I'm giving him 9 drops twice a day now-quit the noon drops when he became less angry. Tried to get him to oil leather for me today, but he couldn't concentrate enough to do it-a few weeks ago he would work hard to get his boots oiled. It will be helpful when the home health people come as they will be better at evaluating him weekly. He still is happy to see company and tries hard to rise to the occasion-for that I am so thankful-and for the fact that we still have company on occasion. THey are my lifeline. I have three lifelines, the telephone, company, and the library. Soon I'll add ebay-very very soon. I'm working on my new line of earrings and will do a giant listing. GOnna be fun! Enough now- to bed for a few minutes.

Oh Happy Day!

YES! Partner woke up with a big smile on his face this morning. At last! I had the chores done and shortly after breakfast and the shave, friend Steve called-do you feel like a ride? You Bet! Off to town the three of us were-took a big adventure to the CASINO! We enjoyed the people, the food, the visit, and the ride tremendously. MY sweet partner did his best to keep up with the visiting, and saw old friends there as well. I must admit, I was afraid that the big black cloud would pop up at any minute, but it didn't. We took a quick run around the grocery store to stock up, emptied out our full mailbox and are prepared if we have more bad days, but perhpas the root of our problems was, in fact the nicotine withdrawl. Friend Will was at home waiting for our return, and will start on the deck and ramp for the front of the house this weekend. as well Veronica's kids are going to stack the remainder of the hay in the little barn for me. Will is going to put windows on the barn-one thing we never got finished and we'll hang the big door on the east again. All set-then it can snow. Mama llama is so much better, and the vet bill wasn't staggering so that is good. The triplets are keeping up very well, and their sweet mother can surely count to three. THe clouds really parted today and all was well-thank you one and all!

Give me one more chance-I wanna dance the dance!

One more day-a short night but so far a great day! My partner decided he would not go to bed, and slept dressed in the chair. I didn't dare go to bed for fear he would run off if he awoke as he was looking for somewhere to go when he went to sleep. Finially got him to bed and 1:30 and did the same myself. He was up at 6 looking for the way back to his room from the bathroom, I put him there and he was good till 7:30-gave me time to haul hay and have a shower! Hurrah!

Yesterday was a day of many mysteries-how to start the pickup, the car, the t v magic wand, anything else that he could lay his hands on. Poor thing.

My bright spots were seeing my friend Steve, who filled out freezer with delightful goodies, and gave me much needed help with the llama. Called Polly and Lynda for a short visit-hope to have coffee with Lynda today if the nice llady shows up. Steve has volunteered for backup, and I have Guy on call as well-I am looking forward to my getaway counting the minutes.

MY Partner is calm this morning, and seems to be happy-hope it keeps going.

dear diary

Sunday turned out to be a pretty good day, but my partner never went outside. The chores, feeding his horses, the llamas-everything seemed to be not important-usually the horse feeding is done at least 3 times a day. I did manage to play with the llamas for a few minutes, and tried to spray the medicine on Cinnamon-got pretty close-how do you hold the front end and spray the back end? Guy and Janet came for beans, the visit was fine-Rasty chiming in with strange things. About 12:15 I awoke to find him with two pairs of jeans on, a shirt that was insideout-trying to snap the cuffs. I must have been sleeping better than I thought I ever sleep. Got him back to bed, got me back to bed, and this morning at 6 here he was putting jeans on over his one shoe(he got it done)-two shirts on ( the insideout one still on) . Got drops down him and back to bed-still 2 shirts and one pair of jeans on. I have decided that hardest part of this disease for me is having to rely on other people to help me. THank heaven for those who are helpers-and oh how I wish I could jump in my little red car and go do what needs to be done-go outside and work without worrying about my partner-and know what to do and how to do it as well. Rasty would have his day planned the night before-he would wake up ready to go and he had the details figured out before he grabbed the hammer.

Colombus day-the day that is hated on the rez-when they made Colombus stamps Lander o P>O> sent me some-I sold them to the priest who was writing to the man on the I HATE COLOMBUS committee in Washington D C. Asked Lander not to send those anymore-please. Zola got the contract at the post office, and is trying to secure the $5,000 bond-hope she does it. The council is going to help her-she is 2 signatures away. She went to Idaho to see her new grandbaby-good for her. She has come a long way. I am proud of her.

The cornfield is full of geese this morning-a sight to see. It is a beautiful day and Rasty is fast asleep now. I'm going to go outside and play!

we are FINE!!!!

A new day in the Wind River Valley. Sunday brought an inch of snow, and remarkably clean air-the kind that the Arapahoes long for to clear out the bad-and it did! My partner awoke with a smile, had some peaches and went back to bed long enough for me to haul hay to feed the sheep, take care of mamallama and the horses and get a smile on my face. The second arising was as good as the first, and we have even accomplished a clean shaved face and brushed teeth-now for the house. A pot of beans is going, when is the football game? I wonder if 22 years of living with me has hurried Rasty's problems along-he could be prefectly normal having lived with a sane person for that long-perhaps....................we are headed to the season "when the bear sleeps" and I think I am glad.

If this life belonged to someone else

Is this really my life? How funny it is-my sweet husband came out of the bathroom tonight with the plunger and a handful of shells. Last week I spent about 3 hours hiding all the shells in the house-but-not apparently the pickup-for he was sitting in it trying to get it started today(i have the keys in my back pocket), Two of the shells were already shot, but the third wasn't. I have to remember to get them out of his pocket when he is asleep tonight- now- for the rest of the story- here he comes with the plunger telling me he only gets three shots! Quick- have a piece of cake! d

THe day was just fun-after Rasty got settled down this morning. Veronica and Austin brought mamalama and Mary home from the vet-we got a halter on her and put them in the barn and doctored her. THe baby is so soft and so gentle and sweet, and mama is much much better. Veronica and Austin had breakfast with us, and Steve called and did my walmart shopping for me and came with groceries, a great pizza and a great visit-movie included. How good it was and it was so heartwarming to see Rasty laugh. Afterward, we took a trip to the barn to see the new one, and I decided to put barn windows on my want list. Veronica said her man could do the ramp at the south door and perhaps he can help me figure out the windows as well.

The withdrawl seems to be going better-I have upped the drops a bit for a few days-8 drops morning and night and 3 at lunch. Still well under the 20 drops twice a day that is prescribed and seems to be enough to be managable.

Once again-here we go again. Relieved, I have figured out the cause of my partners problems of rage. He has, after 65 years of chewing, forgotten that he chews. We are now going through the withdrawl-called the alz association, who hung up on me the first time-called again and they had no clue how long the symptoms would last or what else to look for while the body is detoxing. So looks like I will be able to write the book on it if we both make it through this one. Hang on Nellie!

MamaLama will be home from the vet today-they are doing well, but the vet suggests one year off for her. Okay. Big black clouds in a high sky this morning-yesterdays clouds held no moisture for us, but the hay still isn't stacked so I wish it could hold off till Monday-then let it happen!

Help will be here on Wednesday afternoon for 4 hours-I am deciding which way to travel-with business day in Lander having the top slot so far. Next week-hair doo!

here we are

Another day beginning-the week is nearly over and little has been accomplished-but not without much trying. THe days are turning into "that other seeason" quickly, and the leaves are falling, but their splendor has been mighty. Sunday b rought me a cira-baby lama- she is beautiful when only viewed from a distance-Thursday brought pit bulls attacking her, and at last they came into the corral-with help from stepson and husband-who highjacked the pickup with the keys left inside. Thought the pit bulls had gotten mamalama only to find out that she had a very difficult time in childbirth-she is now at the doctors office with the baby and we are praying for her recovery.

THe week was spent mostly dodging articles being tossed my way- minimal cleaning and a few loads of laundry. I did do some beadwork and used the new photo studio to take great pictures for ebay. It is wonderful to use, and the lighting can be arranged so well with it-still learning and experimenting. Nearly ready to sell again.

THe help from the children seems to be working well-they have one week to make excuses and 6 weeks to think of new excuses-it has been forsaken but the brightspot has to be the newest family member-Bridgett-who brought sunshine, smiles and a wonderful dinner. She shared with us the story of the love of her parents and her marvelous multicultural upbringing-what an asset to us all.

Friends have been wonderful-Steve, Shelly, Dion and Veronica have all come through with sunshine and friendship-renews faith. I have found that those people who carry around "Christian" signs need to carry those signs so they can be recognized.

As for my partner, this week has been spent in trying to rearrange and locate things. Seems to be getting ready to go to cowcamp for the fall. The big worry is that he has difficulty in locating the bathroom at night-I must sleep with one eye open to direct him there and back to bed when he awakens. Nouns are becoming a thing of the past. He is still walking pretty well, but unable to keep a thought long enough to execute it. He was going to do dishes for me, and by the time he got his sleeves roled up he had forgottten the mission-just as well I guess. THe bright spot, if there is one, is that he isn't calling for the children as much as he was -he used to call each one by name every morning and wonder where they were-now just occasionally. I reassure him that they are busy and will be home when they can. How very sad.